Moving Forward

I considered naming this post, “Back to My Future” or “From Here To the Future” but then I vomited a little and decided that it’s probably best to keep things simple. You’re welcome.

This year has been BIG for me. You have no idea the things that have gone on within my head. Years worth of healing have led to growth which has built the platform for the things to come. I have identified and begun to conquer some childhood demons, I’m finally beginning to Embrace the Flaky, I’ve made peace with the religion of my birth (I mean, except for the assholes who abuse it, but there has never been peace to be made with them), I’ve reconnected with my instinctual self, I’ve learned to love my anxious self while still pushing myself through those anxieties, I’ve made some goals and acted on them, I’ve learned that I’m not stagnant at all, but that sometimes I have to let my Oak Tree lead me.

This upcoming year, in lieu of resolutions or Uberlists, or a Word of the Year, I set my deepest intention simply to allow my Oak Tree to guide me. She knows what I do not, and so far she’s always been right. I believe she always will be.

I will, though, re-begin a list of goals to accomplish. This list has no time limit, as life does not conform to the Western 365-day calendar.  It’s also lighter, not heavy like the soul-work that happens all on its own.  I don’t want to call this my bucket list, or even my life list, but I’m not sure what to call it yet. My Keep-Me-Busy List? My Richness of Life List? Please do comment on each of the lists within this list and share your recommendations with me. I intend to refer to this list often, but I hereby declare that if I do not, that is OK, too, because a List is just a list and I will not allow myself to kick me for anything ever. (Hear that, subconscious?)

This year, primarily thanks to Karen and Own Your Beauty, I made myself a vision board. I did this one primarily on instinct rather than conscious intent, although I do not believe there is any wrong way to envision a year. I chose gold paint for the background for the obvious reasons (I am often drawn to gold and purple, colors of richness and royalty, when I do soul-art), but as I was painting it, I was reminded strongly of Leslie’s gold room in Bridge to Terabithia and I felt the joy that came that afternoon when they were finished. (Someday, I will have a gold room of my own. With a happier ending.) I used a technique Claire taught me which involves cutting up an old calendar and gluing the squares down into a grid – I intend to focus on organization this year. I threw on a small collage in the corner which represents various things to me in various levels. To finish, I added mirrors around the edge to remind myself always to reflect and to see me for who I am.  I had planned to write words on it, but then decided I didn’t need to.  If I had the words would have been something like: listen, reflect, remember art, ground yourself in nature, breathe deep. Originally I wanted to frame this so that I can keep the current year on top of the older ones, but in the end I wound up with a canvas. I may layer next year’s vision on top of this. We’ll see. I love it. It’s beautiful. At least I think so.

How about you? What has 2010 meant for you? What do you foresee for yourself for the future?

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Tech Dependant

Did ya miss me? Not likely since I often go days without an update. But I was absolutely and totally computerless for almost 48 hours! You see, Thursday night my poor baby computer – only 15 months old! *sniff* – crashed…. onto, er, the floor. And did you know that life pretty much stops when you don’t have the internets at your disposal?! Cause it does!

See, first you think, OK, I have to look up how to fix the computer! But you can’t! And then you think, OK, I have to find good deals on new computers by searching online! But you can’t! And you can’t even look up a freaking phone number! You have to use this archaic service called “4-1-1” where you CALL someone and they TELL you the number. It’s madness, I tell you!

I knew the internet had changed my life in many ways, but I didn’t realize just how MUCH I depend on it on a daily basis. I felt like I was on a deserted island.* Really.

And then this morning on the news, I saw a man demonstrating all the crazy things you can do with your cell phone. One program you can buy is a GPS system of some sort which actually tracks all the physical fitness acts you commit** like running or biking etc and it automatically logs them onto the internet and prints it all out for you! The future was made clear to me: in five years or so cell phones will literally run the world. You will not be able to buy groceries or drive a car until you’ve loaded the right program onto your phone. We can only hope the phones will remain friendly to the human race and not try to kill us all.

Maybe I read just a tad too much sci fi?

Or maybe not. Muhahahaha!!!

*Speaking of deserted islands, you know, everyone wonders who Kate will choose: Jake or Sawyer… Frankly, I vote for Sayid.

**Yes, “commit”.

Uberlist 2007

This is such an awesome idea. I’m not one to make resolutions, but that isn’t what this is. It’s merely a list of goals to have. I cannot make a detailed numbered list, because when I get too detailed at goalmaking, I rebel and fail. So here are some general ideas of things I might like to accomplish this year. Thanks to Mama Says Om for the inspiration!

CRAFT: This one I’m stealing: “Knit for Holiday 2007 throughout the year,” learn to felt, and maybe pick up crochet. Become more active in the weekly knitting group. Find time to write here and there. Enjoy photography and frame my favorites.

FAMILY: Yell less. Play more. Remember to be hands-on. Try to let go of the anger and hurt I feel towards those who’ve hurt me.

FINANCIAL: Set aside money for emergencies and for special activities. Don’t spend it! Don’t! I mean it!

FRIENDS: This one I’m stealing: “Tell every single friend how much I love them and the way they’ve shaped my life”

HEALTH: Get back on track with fitness, look into gym memberships. Get active at least daily. Cut back on sugar. Eat out less. Look into buying insurance if there’s any extra income in the next year. Balance progesterone. Get back into good water habits.

HOME: Organize my house. Buy or create organizers where necessary. Purge junk, one drawer at a time. When my house is clean, my brain works better. Finally put pictures on walls. Get new furniture. Cook and freeze easy meals to avoid eating out so much.

LOVE: Go out on the occasional date. The kind without kids!

PERSONAL: Get pierced! Find the perfect tattoo. Get a haircut more often than every six months. Read more books, aim for one a month. Search for the right religious path. Put more time and love into SOAM.

TEACHER: Bring more education – formal and informal – into our daily routine. Find the right charter for us and register M for kindergarten. Look into and possibly purchase curriculum.

TRAVEL: Disneyland, if that counts. Possible: road trip to Colorado. Not likely, but on my dream list: BlogHer in Chicago. Perhaps a weekend getaway in the mountains?

I love you more than bunnies!

Since being freed from his restricitve tongue-tie a few weeks ago, my son has been exploring all the fun stuff tongues can do. A few days ago he started making this clicking sound on the roof of his mouth and then today he’s been sticking his tongue out all day. It’s damn cute.

The girl… Well, actually she isn’t a girl at all, but a snowman. Yes. Frosty, specifically. She says, “I’m always going to be Frosty.” And when we see snowman decorations she squeals and kicks her feet. I think it’s a crush, really. She takes after her mama. One of my first crushes was on Chicken Soup from Maurice Sendak’s Really Rosie. Anyway, she has taken to using grown-up phrases or words, often in completely the wrong ways. At the husband’s company Christmas party, she told people she wanted to have a conversation with them. Then last night she forgot the word “conversation” when we were at dinner with some friends so she told them she wanted to “jump in the question mark.” And that, too, is damn cute.

When M was a baby I used to tell people I’d forget she was still an infant because I just saw her as her. And the same is true for E. When I see other babies in the store, I can see their gestures and recognize them as normal baby stuff. But with my own kids, it’s different. I know my children so intimately that when E squeaks or waves his arms in normal infant fashion, I don’t see it as a physical gesture, but rather as him communicating to me, “Mom, I wanna be picked up now!” It’s like a language I’m fluent in. When you speak Spanish, you hear the words, but when you don’t you just hear the language. The same is true for my kids. I am not fluent in other babies so I just see the cute baby things they do. But I speak my kids’ language and I see through the mannerisms to the true meanings of what they are saying.

Well, with babies anyway. Since M has turned three she’s become a mystery to me. Partly because of the age. Partly because I have to figure out this whole new family dynamic with two kids. Partly because of other issues, too, I suspect. To quote The Cure, “Every time I try to pick it up like falling sand, as fast as I pick it up it runs away through my clutching hands.” (Ahhh, I love “Letter to Elise”) But I do. I sometimes worry that I’m losing her. And with E still so little and me still struggling with depression and hormonal issues I feel like I can’t quite fix it how I need to. I need time to bond with my girl, but I don’t always have the time or energy or resources for that. I tell myself, it’s OK, we’ll get through this. Every relationship waxes and wanes and we will be close again. But, how do I know? I think because I’ve lost my own mother I desperately wanted that Gilmore Girls thing with my own daughter. (Which is why I hated this past season with their fight and why I cried at the episode Rory came home – I have a lot vested in this show!) But, you know, you just don’t know. I can only do the best I can and hope it’s good enough. I have to hope the strong bond we had for the first three years of her life was strong enough to get us through things like this so we can be close again. Right?

All in all my kids are amazing. I love them passionately and feel blessed daily. M tells me, “Mom? I love you more than bunnies.” Me too, baby girl. Me, too.