1. Homeschooling. As the kids get older, I feel more and more inadequate. I don’t have the time or energy or ability to teach them the way I probably should. And I lean farther from unschooling the older they get since I want (need?) them to be able to jump into schooling at some point should it become necessary for our family or should it become desirable at the high school level. Yes, I’m thinking about high school. My daughter turns ten in just about two months, and there’s only one more year of elementary school and lord knows middle school will fly by. At least daily I feel overwhelmed and inadequate staying with homeschooling, but there are so many reasons it still feels right for our family that I really don’t want to give up just yet.
2. Financial concerns. Honestly, this is a point in my life where I am not worried about how I’m going to get through the month. And I feel very blessed by that. But it comes with its own concerns which have me fretting. I recently had to answer a question which asked if I was more laid-back or intense. Haha. I am fucking intense about everything. I am fucking intense about relaxing. So I’m extremely fucking intense about things that make laid-back people intense. Like money.
3. Routines. I like them. They feel good to me. And yet, I can’t seem to be able to follow them. I feel very discombobulated and vague, floating through my days without much direction. I try to create routines, but I honestly just forget.
4. I don’t feel cute lately. A few months ago I felt cute every day. Now I feel frumpy and/or boring every day. I’ve reverted back to just jeans and t-shirts because none of my skirts are doing it for me right now. WTF? And I can’t tell if this is a result of feeling yucky inside, or if I feel yucky inside because I feel un-cute outside.
5. I cannot quit beating myself up lately. I don’t know where this came from because I’d been doing pretty good about loving myself, but holy hell I just take a mental beating all day these days. I try to fight against it, but honestly it’s exhausting to do so, and I almost feel myself sinking, wanting to just give in so I can have some goddamn peace and quiet already. But all of these items above are just fuel for my mean voice and my strength just isn’t very strong right now.
6. I’m just feeling low lately. I don’t want to use the D-word because it feels melodramatic and I feel like I’ve used it too much. Like I should get new problems instead of revisiting the same ones over and over again. And also because I feel pretty happy on a surface level. But my feelings themselves are numbed. I wonder if this and maybe some of Item 5 are fallout from 2011. Like now that emotional things are settling down, I’m feeling the effects. God I hope so. I hope this is situational and will ebb away with time and love.
7. I’m battling two different government organizations over problems that are NOT MY FAULT but which are costing me respectively $700 and my kids’ ability to continue with the same dentist they’ve had their entire lives. So far I’ve learned that even though the government allows you to appeal things, it’s really more of an “appeal” if you get my drift. They write you a letter that shows very clearly they didn’t even bother looking at your appeal and tell you that you are denied. I really wish Douglas Adams hadn’t been so right about the Vogons. It’s really not even funny anymore.
Hopefully now that I’ve dumped, I can work through this and move on. And forgive this lack of an ending to this post. Pretend some really spectacular ending happened. Like pictures! Of my weird family!