Because I think the only people who read this blog have already heard all my tweets and seen all my pictures, but someday my old, senile future self will be reading through old diaries and will be all like, “BUT WHAT JUST HAPPENED? DID THE APOCALYPSE HAPPEN AFTER ALL? IS THAT WHY THERE ARE NO MORE 7 DAYS PICTURES??” This is for you, future senile self.
You know what’s stupid? How 5:30 becomes 7am without me even being asleep. Also that no one is making me bacon.
Honestly, Hogwarts really needs to implement some sort of anti-bullying policy. Why do the teachers never discipline the Slytherins?
Sometimes I think The Universe is sending people to slow me down & block me at every turn & then I remember I’m just driving on the freeway.
I was just about to head up into bed when I realized it’s only 9. You win again, Standard Time.
I say “up into” like I have stairs. Don’t believe it. It’s a sleep-deprived lie.
Sometimes I think someone is breaking in, but then it turns out it’s just the cat being “graceful” again.
“A Weimaraner hanging in the balance.” <–Best election quote ever. Even though I have no idea WTF it means.
It's the daily morning fight over who gets to sit in the sink and drink water from the tap. My position: NO ONE. The cat disagrees.
What kind of a world do we live in where Starbucks starts to run out of Salted Caramel Mochas before Thanksgiving?
Furthermore, what kind of a world do we live in where baristas think it's ok to ask, "We ran out of the salt, is that OK?" NO, IT IS NOT OK.
Between the flea meds and the new sticky tape couch protectors, the cat is having a Very Bad Evening.
Hunting tip: If you meow at your prey, they will know you’re hunting them.
Elliott: Nobody ever forgets they’re in National City!!
Facebook is having a general funeral for Twinkies. What happened while I was in the shower? This is why we need waterproof internet.
Related: NOW what will we eat when the zombie apocalypse happens?
Two people just walked by and checked out my car’s ass. I know. My car is hot.
Attempted to see Cloud Atlas but it was FUCKING CANCELED FOR TWILIGHT. I just… No words. Moving to another planet.
My DSLR stopped working today. Hold me.
A watched pot never boils. But if I don’t watch it, I’ll forget it and burn the house down. Catch-22.
In other news I got a catalog addressed to my mom in the mail today. It’s entirely devoted to suspenders. I may keep this catalog forever.
So many suspenders! X-back AND Y-back style, hidden ones, maternity ones, one that looks like a ruler, camo for hunting, hip ones for teens.
I am one tiny, awkward, stripped screw away from a fixed camera. Mercury Retrograde, you are on my shit list.
WALT’S APARTMENT! YES! #EpicMickey #DisneylandNerd
When a person chooses to go into the military, how do they choose which branch to join? Is there a sorting hat for that, too?
Elliott: Have you ever seen an elephant naked? NO you haven’t. Because you never saw elephants.
Oops. I got another cat.
This cat sheds SO MUCH. And I’m warning you now that someday I *will* be that lady who spins her cat’s fur into yarn.
I decided to leave the house today. That was obviously a stupid decision.
“Do They Know it’s Christmas” is one of the worst and most offensive Christmas songs I love and will never stop listening to.
When you put on pajamas before 3pm, 7:43 feels like midnight. #wisdom
Because, really, who shows dominance by humping their peers? #neverhavingaboycatagain #natureisfuckedup #traumatized
You know how it is when you try to turn off the car but accidentally turn off the radio because they’re just buttons next to each other? #PriusProblems
It’s so hard to have to ride the Jungle Cruise with people who don’t understand the Jungle Cruise.
I consistently get the lyrics to “Winter Wonderland” wrong so that I am always getting married by a circus clown.
Elliott, to Leia: Don’t sneeze on my face, please. It’s very expensive.
No, but really. Neiman Marcus at Target made me die a little inside.
PSA: If you watch Lost and play Epic Mickey in the same general time frame, your brain will make up very strange dreams.
Ok, Internet, I’m going to Toys R Us on a Sunday in December. If you don’t hear from me, send help.
Well that was oddly painless. Just another sign of the impending apocalypse, I guess.
If there is one thing Lost gave us that we should never forget and that we should always hold in our hearts, it’s time-traveling bunnies.
It’s the holiday season and I am incapable of producing adequate bokeh with any of my working cameras. My soul is a little bit dead.
I wish someone would recut all of Lost into chronological order. You know. Just for fun.
At least if the world ends tomorrow I’ll be free of this ant problem.
Autocorrect, sometimes I don’t understand you. But just now you correctly changed “slogghy” to “slightly” and I want to thank you for that.
Dammit, Brain, if you’re going to wake me at 5:30, you better figure out how to telekinetically bring me coffee in bed.
“Clean up your stuff before I steal your AT-AT.” <–A thing I just said to my son.
NO IT'S OK I DON'T NEED SLEEP I'LL JUST STAY AWAKE ALL NIGHT LONG AGAIN
Related: Googling Ed Wynn at 3am and I finally get the joke: Ed Wynn = Edwin #only34yearslate #thankgodimcute
Related: IT'S TOTALLY NORMAL TO GOOGLE ED WYNN AT 3AM. Don't judge.
Apparently Hot Dog on a Stick sells hot dogs not on sticks now. What kind of blasphemy is this?
Just overheard a kid in the the mall yell, "Hi, Grandma!" at a random old lady. Kids are awesome. As are old ladies.
Ok so WTF with the new trend where people play music on their phones loudly while shopping? Cause STOP IT, PEOPLE.