I think I’m technically too old for this.

26 01 2013

richmond

I’m at a very weird place in my life right now. It’s a bleak and jaded place. A little dark and a lot apathetic. In short, I’m emo as all heck*.

I think it’s because my 33rd year was such shit. And, somehow, I became very superstitious about my age being linked to it all, so once I turned 34 I was sure I’d be much happier or that life would be easier or something.

Go ahead. You can laugh.

I remember at the beginning of last year we did a New Year’s SoulCollage reading and I was so determined to find only good things on the horizon that I ignored whatever it may actually have been telling me. I was so sick of being depressed and having unhappy things happen that I determined to be happy no matter what, dammit.

Go ahead. You can laugh.

At some point well into autumn I finally realized what a charade that was and I sort of let go of my preconceived notions for what 34 held for me.

Perhaps because of this, or perhaps coincidentally, I am questioning everything I’ve ever believed. Wondering what the point to anything even is. Maybe I am just overthinking Life. Maybe I should care less. Maybe I just need to make peace with depression, with the crappy shit that life throws at me. Maybe this Pollyanna shit isn’t serving me.

So this year, when I sat down to do my 2013 SoulCollage reading, I was in a much different place. I was apathetic. If it was going to be another shit year, whatever. Bring it. I don’t care anymore.

This all sounds like I am more depressed than I am. I don’t think I am very depressed. And I realize that 34 was a hell of a lot better than 33. And there are very many things in my life that I love. I imagine that this is a place I have to go through right now to come to whatever is next, but I’m so emo that I don’t even know if I believe that all the time right now.

I think most people go through this phase when they are 16 and bad poetry and white face makeup look better than they do on someone who is about to turn 35. So I’m a little, um, slower than my peers, so what? Luckily I have Richmond up there to help me through it. I am going to be the MOST ADORABLE 35-year-old goth EVER.

*New blog tagline? I think so.

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4 responses

27 01 2013
bethany actually

You know I love you and I want you to be happy and I don’t want you to be depressed, etc….so I don’t feel bad telling you that the main thing I got out of this post was a good laugh over your new tagline. It sounds so…Minnesotan! In the best, most adorable way possible.

3 02 2013
Claire

Can we listen to the Smith’s now?

9 02 2013
Oh by the way, I’m 35 now. « Z E B R A B E L L Y . C O M

[…] itself? Was lovely. Truth be told, I wasn’t expecting much out of it. My loneliness, my emo-ness, my broke-ness, and the fact that the latter point means we can’t renew our Disneyland passes […]

8 03 2013
Lost and Doctor Who: A Comparative Essay | Z E B R A B E L L Y . C O M

[…] there is so much going on in my actual life and my emotional health (I’m way less emo, you guys), but I can’t seem to find the time – well, actually, the energy – to […]

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