These things are hard right now.

25 02 2012

1. Homeschooling. As the kids get older, I feel more and more inadequate. I don’t have the time or energy or ability to teach them the way I probably should. And I lean farther from unschooling the older they get since I want (need?) them to be able to jump into schooling at some point should it become necessary for our family or should it become desirable at the high school level. Yes, I’m thinking about high school. My daughter turns ten in just about two months, and there’s only one more year of elementary school and lord knows middle school will fly by. At least daily I feel overwhelmed and inadequate staying with homeschooling, but there are so many reasons it still feels right for our family that I really don’t want to give up just yet.

2. Financial concerns. Honestly, this is a point in my life where I am not worried about how I’m going to get through the month. And I feel very blessed by that. But it comes with its own concerns which have me fretting. I recently had to answer a question which asked if I was more laid-back or intense. Haha. I am fucking intense about everything. I am fucking intense about relaxing. So I’m extremely fucking intense about things that make laid-back people intense. Like money.

3. Routines. I like them. They feel good to me. And yet, I can’t seem to be able to follow them. I feel very discombobulated and vague, floating through my days without much direction. I try to create routines, but I honestly just forget.

4. I don’t feel cute lately. A few months ago I felt cute every day. Now I feel frumpy and/or boring every day. I’ve reverted back to just jeans and t-shirts because none of my skirts are doing it for me right now. WTF? And I can’t tell if this is a result of feeling yucky inside, or if I feel yucky inside because I feel un-cute outside.

5. I cannot quit beating myself up lately. I don’t know where this came from because I’d been doing pretty good about loving myself, but holy hell I just take a mental beating all day these days. I try to fight against it, but honestly it’s exhausting to do so, and I almost feel myself sinking, wanting to just give in so I can have some goddamn peace and quiet already. But all of these items above are just fuel for my mean voice and my strength just isn’t very strong right now.

6. I’m just feeling low lately. I don’t want to use the D-word because it feels melodramatic and I feel like I’ve used it too much. Like I should get new problems instead of revisiting the same ones over and over again. And also because I feel pretty happy on a surface level. But my feelings themselves are numbed. I wonder if this and maybe some of Item 5 are fallout from 2011. Like now that emotional things are settling down, I’m feeling the effects. God I hope so. I hope this is situational and will ebb away with time and love.

7. I’m battling two different government organizations over problems that are NOT MY FAULT but which are costing me respectively $700 and my kids’ ability to continue with the same dentist they’ve had their entire lives. So far I’ve learned that even though the government allows you to appeal things, it’s really more of an “appeal” if you get my drift. They write you a letter that shows very clearly they didn’t even bother looking at your appeal and tell you that you are denied. I really wish Douglas Adams hadn’t been so right about the Vogons. It’s really not even funny anymore.

Hopefully now that I’ve dumped, I can work through this and move on. And forgive this lack of an ending to this post. Pretend some really spectacular ending happened. Like pictures! Of my weird family!

family portrait

elliott is into making weird poses lately

my new favorite picture of my weird kids

no earthly idea what is going on here

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6 responses

25 02 2012
Sonja

I know this won’t necessarily make you feel cute, but I think you totally are cute. Especially your hair with the bejewelled bobby pins. And your shoes.

I get feeling low, and I’m guessing me saying this won’t magic away all your low-ness, but hey. I love you. I think you’re wonderful and kind and thoughtful. I’ve never sat in on one of your homeschooling lessons, but I’ve met your kids and they make me think that you’re doing a damn fine job of educating them.

25 02 2012
bethany actually

Ditto to everything Sonja said.

And as for numbers 5 and 6, I will tell you what my mom has said about her mom’s death: she is pretty sure that she was depressed for more than a year afterwards. She sort of withdrew from a lot of her normal activities for a long time, just going to work and church and taking care of us, but not going to lunch with friends or to the movies or anything like that. She has said it felt like she was in a fog for a long, long time. She doesn’t know exactly when or why she came out of it, but eventually she did. So don’t put too much pressure on yourself to be “normal” yet. Give yourself the time you need to grieve, even when it feels like you should be done by now. There is no time limit on grief.

And for what it’s worth, I know I’m a good mom and of above-average intelligence and I have a gift for and experience with teaching kids of all ages and Annalie is smart and willing to learn…yet many, many days I question whether I’m going to make it through the rest of this year homeschooling. So I totally get that feeling, dude.

25 02 2012
chasingthefirefly

I agree with everything that Sonja and Bethany said. Having met your kids, I think you’re doing a great job with them and if you eventually decided to put them in school, I’m sure they would do just fine.

I’m sorry that you’ve been feeling out of sorts. You are so cute. Love the pictures 🙂

25 02 2012
Annika

These ladies above me? Totally know what they are talking about. Especially about how cute you are.

27 02 2012
Claire

You need stuff. Time to play and laugh and have orgasms and chocolate and some cute new clothes. First world solutions.

29 02 2012
Corey

I call it Chapter 17. You’re reading a book and Chapter 17 just seems to drag on forever. Put it down, come back to it later, skip a few pages, whatever works. Before you know it you’re on to Chapter 18.

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