Time spent filling out government forms: 10 minutes. Time spent trying to make my printer print said forms: 40 minutes. Just not right.
It’s perfectly natural to have the intense desire to stab your printer in the face, right? Perfectly. Natural.
Wow. At Five Guys you get ALL THE FREE PEANUTS YOU WANT. Awesome.
Margie, after a lengthy conversation with her brother: And anyway, I’m never talking to you again, remember?
Is it weird that my bank (not a credit union) is trying to get in on Bank Transfer Day action? They totally are not invited to this party.
Elliott’s joke: Why did Elliott not become a pirate? Because he was a bad pirate!
Elliott, chiming in on Margie’s request: Yeah! Let’s have Old Man Dinner! … What’s Old Man Dinner?
Elliott proposed to me today. I told him it wasn’t legal, but he found a loophole that says it’s OK for little kids.
At 5:30 this morning I decided once and for all that I hate my neighbors. 5. 30.
Wow. Goriest episode of Mad Men ever. #scarredforlife
You know they always say not to try dangerous stuff that professionals do, but, honestly, the professionals had to start somewhere.
Aw, @threadless, why you gotta have TWENTY THREE AWESOME Muppet shirts today when I’m in t-shirt rehab? *trying not to relapse*
Someone set the fence on fire. I hate my neighbors.
My house smells like cookies, but there are no cookies, but now I WANT THE COOKIES.
Living with Margie is like living with a lawyer. I have to make sure I cover all possible loopholes in every sentence I speak. #needcoffee
I hate when a dream ends and my brain just gets up and walks out of the theatre without even seeing if there’s more sleep after the credits.
Trying to totally organize the kids’ room is sending me into a panic attack. Wondering now why I recycled my mom’s Ativan. #kidding #mostly
is sitting in a building that was built almost 10 years ago, but is already celebrating its 15th anniversary. Srsly.
My son is having his speech therapy via video phone. It’s the future already.
Wow. Dayquil is awesome.
I just got $170 worth of stuff for $36 at Old Navy. BOW TO ME.
“You’ve got healthcare bring run by private business. And believe me, that’s just the start of your problems.” -Torchwood, Miracle Day <-YES
Isn't it enough to know that I ruined a pony making a gift for you? <–Best song lyric ever.
Wow. That show ended with a giant, angry vagina. (Spoilers!)
Me: You guys are being obnoxious. Elliott: But that's because we are kids! Me: Touché, dude. Touché.
I hate to break it to Timon and Pumbaa, but their Hakuna Matata craze sort of did pass, actually.
You really can't tell how tiny Daniel Radcliffe is until he's in a lineup of average-sized guys. #MacysThanksgivingParade
Thanksgiving weekend is the only time I ever miss having a microwave. 20 minutes for leftover stuffing with gravy is just unreasonable.
It's the kind of winter day where I'm going to go snuggle down by the Yule tree in shorts with the fan on high.