A Letter From My 18 Year Old Self

28 10 2011

I haven’t been blogging lately because I’ve been burying myself deep in boxes and boxes (and boxes and boxes) of old papers. Of particular interest (not really) were all the phone bills from 1972-1979. And then I came across this letter. I remembered writing it and being quite proud of it, but I haven’t seen it for 15 years and I wasn’t sure what I’d think when I came across it again. Turns out, I was kind of brilliant even back then. (Also, I was just as humble as I am now.) The only thing I’ve changed is to leave out the last names of my witnesses. To protect the innocent, of course. Enjoy!

To whom it may concern,

I am sending you this letter in order to prove to you that I do, indeed, exist. It may or may not be hard for you to realize, or even comprehend this, but it is true. I hope that you, in turn, will attempt to confirm your existence for the rest of your fellow human beans.

The first example of my existing that I will give to you deals with witnesses. I have an uncountable many witnesses that can attest to my existence. Among them are Alejandra, Sofia, Melissa, Kathy, Tamara, Summer and my mom. You may question any of them as to the subject of my being, for, they have all, at one point or another, used their five senses to know me. A person can only know what exists via their five senses.

The second example I provide you with is this letter. A letter cannot spontaneously generate out of nowhere, it must have a writer. Just as a dinner must have a cook, a heater must have a heater-maker, and a dog must have a mom. Therefore I give to you evidence of my existence.

The third and last example of my being are my belongings. A non-existent person has no belongings, it would be stupid them to have any. A dead person may have some, but they, at least exist-ed. I have too many belongings and I therefore exist, I suppose, too much.

In conclusion, I would like to say that I hope this clarifies the issue of my existence for you, and I hope that you pass the word around so as to stop any ugly rumors before they start. Thank you for your time, and keep this in mind for yourself in case anyone questions your existence.





8 responses

28 10 2011
Summer Hellewell

God, I love you. Though I can’t claim I’ve ever tasted you. So, four senses?

28 10 2011

Yes, I found that part alarming/awesome. I am pretty sure none of those people ever tasted me.

28 10 2011

I thought about taste as well and I had every intention of leaving a comment saying “SUMMER HAS TASTED YOU?!!”

28 10 2011

“A dog must have a mom.”
I’m going to use that. Daily, if I can.

28 10 2011
bethany actually

You were a very existentially-concerned 18-year-old!

28 10 2011

Finally, the proof you’ve been asking for! (relief sigh)

Also, you sound like Margie. More proof, I suppose, of said existence.

4 11 2011

I feel it is necessary to point out that many people believe taste is actually an extension of smell. That in fact, when you taste something, it has more to do with the scents around you than what you are putting into your mouth.

Therefore, when someone sits down to dinner with Bonnie and smells her Bonnie-esque smell, they are tasting a small bit of Bonnie with every bite. So five senses doesn’t seem that far off. Your 18-year old self was brilliant.

4 11 2011

I suddenly feel very… licked.

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