I figured out what 2011 was missing.

26 09 2011

A dramatic day at the ER. Well, technically, urgent care. I didn’t, like, arrive by ambulance, but I did get rushed in pretty quick.

Over the last few weeks I’ve had three instances where my hands and/or lips and the tip of my tongue went numb. Very vaguely. I wasn’t even sure it was happening. Sometimes it felt merely dull, sometimes it felt like soda. We talked about it at acupuncture last week but it was baffling since the areas that were numb didn’t follow the usual pathways of the nerves or some other body part I’m forgetting.

So today I dropped the kids off at school, came home and got to work on SOAM. And suddenly my whole face went numb and tingly. Even my eyeballs. It was positively frightening. After some calls to various people in my life who are smart and calm and loving, I headed off to urgent care and my aunt met me there. They put me in a room right away, took my vitals, and I was seen by a nurse practitioner who thoroughly checked me for signs of a stroke and called for blood work and a pee test (which is extremely difficult to do in jeans and a hospital gown with a tube in my arm ready for the IV, just FYI). And, ultimately, diagnosed me with “stress”. Which is likely accurate. And his explanation made sense at the time but two things have happened since then that bring back the worry. Firstly that he was referring to the facial area often relating to stress, but now the numbness has spread to my arms. Secondly that I forgot everything else he said and, therefore, how and why it made sense.

But I’m clearly not having a stroke and he was certain it wasn’t a brain thing. And my vitals showed my heart to be fine as well, so I have to assume that I will live through the night.

Right?

Almost two weeks ago we discovered we have parasites. The kind that are at least as contagious as lice and just as difficult to get rid of. The following morning I could barely function for being so depressed. I’m back in the darkness again. Again-again. I don’t understand why this year has to hit me so hard. I feel like I’m being punished. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to put up with this if more and more and more things happen.

I just got tomorrow’s entry ready for SOAM and she said something that make me wonder if this is like spiritual labor. The year has been hard from the start, but it’s gotten worse more and more recently (alternately: I can’t handle what I normally can so it just feels worse? But even when I look at me from outside, it still looks like too much), and maybe, at the end of this, the ninth month, I’ll be born, fresh and strong.

I wish I could believe that. Right now I’m so beaten down I can’t do anything but cry.

I’m scared. Being numb is scary. Really fucking scary. Being alone during it is really fucking scary. I have never felt so alone as this last month. I don’t mind the concept of being alone, but The Universe sure has been working the negative aspects of it recently. So I’ve been cherishing those moments when I can rely on people, and just trying to float along. I can’t even swim anymore, as Dory advises. I can just try not to drown.

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11 responses

26 09 2011
Annika

❤ this too shall pass.

26 09 2011
bethany actually

Oh, Bonnie. I don’t know why all this stuff keeps coming at you. I wish it would stop, I really do. I wish I could help somehow.

I admit I had a fleeting thought of Job and how he kept getting kicked again and again, and all along it was because he was like God’s pet, the best of humanity that God held up as a shining example. I certainly do not believe that you are the subject of any deity-devil wagering, but I know you are a shining example of a human being.

That doesn’t help make the crap feel less overwhelming, I know. But it’s true nonetheless. Let me know if I can do anything for you. ♥

26 09 2011
Summer Hellewell

My wonderful Bonnianne…I wish I could do more to support you. I don’t know if I can offer any true comfort. I’ve sort of fallen out of true “Everything Happens for a reason” (though it depends on my mood, maybe it does!). But I do believe in cycles, and that sometimes things are awesome and sometimes things suck. And I do believe that the crappy parts of life are the ones that teach us. And I do believe that this too shall pass.

26 09 2011
Claire

I’m so sorry I didn’t know and wasn’t there.
And then I’m texting you about hats and such. Duh.
My friend Janet who has had more than her share of the shit times in her much longer than us life recently told me the only good thing her dad ever taught her was to float. They would swim in the river and in the current and he told her that when it got too strong and she couldn’t swim to not fight it and to float, let it take you. She loves now to get in water and just float and float and she uses that imagery often in her daily life. Don’t fight it. Float.

26 09 2011
heather mcconnaughy (@ComfortablyMe)

Sending you hugs and healing thoughts.

27 09 2011
Amy

Hugs.

27 09 2011
Sarah

You don’t deserve this, you’re far too good and nice. So, 2011, back the hell off our Bonnie, or I’ll be round with a spike.

27 09 2011
Sonja

Damn.
Hugs and peace and love to you, friend.

27 09 2011
Sara W

You are a person that I admire deeply, and sometimes have been envious of because you accomplish so much and are such a strong woman. I am sorry that this year has been not.so.great. It’s not been my best either and I’m right in the middle of depression myself. It’s a very thick fog of karo syrup that’s hard to drag ass out of. I spend more time than I care to admit: feeling sorry for myself, staying in bed, thinking negative thoughts, not taking care of myself, wishing I lived a different life, etc etc. The list goes on. It sucks and sometimes the feeling of helplessness is overwhelming. So I don’t have any answers for you, just a “hey, I’m here too.” and genuine thoughts and hopes that it passes quickly. Because it will pass, that is what I hold on to… just getting on that upswing. I know that if anyone can do it, you can and I wish you all the strength, courage, energy and motivation to get there. ❤

27 09 2011
ZebraBelly

Oh, Sara, I am so so sorry. I will be thinking of you and hoping you find your way out soon.

8 02 2012
Money is fake and the stock market is a damn lie. « Z E B R A B E L L Y . C O M

[…] to owe ANY money, actually. Owing money makes me stressed out. And when I’m stressed out, various of my body parts go numb.” And people say things like, “Oh the stock market is doing so badly because everyone […]

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