These are the anxieties I’m focusing on this week.

15 09 2011

Happy Thing: A Happy Tattoo from Bethany

I woke up feeling bitchy and depressed and I knew it wasn’t PMS, because I’d already had my Sad Day this week, and then I figured it out – many anxieties piled together make me overwhelmed which is just damn depressing. So I’m listing them here in the hopes that it will work to free my heart of them and bring back some of The Happy.

~Elliott’s gut. He’s having some, er, slowing of his system and while I’ve been working with it for awhile now, things just aren’t getting better. I’m nervous about that and afraid that it’s going to cause bigger issues if we can’t get it resolved yet. Actually, I’m nervous it may have already caused bigger issues. I don’t know if those fears are grounded or just pure fear, but there it is. Solution: I already have a call in to his doctor. We’ll see what she says when we hear back from her today.

~The Smell. My mom’s house smelled of smoke and, um… I don’t know, old people? She was a smoker, but she wasn’t your average smoker. She lived with the curtains and windows always closed and she did not clean her home often (and by “often” I mean “more than every few years”) or well. That means the smells permeated deeply into things. Some of the things I’ve cleaned have a thick layer of yellow tar all over them. Some of the things don’t seem to release the smell at all, plastics in particular. So we are bringing some of her things here and while the items themselves I find to be quite useful (I need a new dresser and have wanted a trunk for years now) I’m afraid to actually bring them in my home. I can’t tell if I’m bringing the smell into my home and just not smelling it because I’m becoming used to it. And then sometimes I catch a whiff of something and I can’t tell if it’s just my imagination, wind blowing smells in from the things still outside, or some of the things I’ve brought in. Solution: I don’t know. Asking people to come sniff my house? I’m extremely uptight about this, and absolutely terrified that I might bring the smell into my life. I suppose there is a deeper psychological connection there, but I’m also just afraid of smelling bad. I don’t know what, if anything, will really solve this problem and anxieties without solutions are the most difficult to handle.

~Finances. Just the average financial worries of a single, WAH, homeschooling mom. I’m feeling guilty for spending too much at Starbucks this summer (not to mention the sugar). Plus some decisions may or may not have to be made about the future in the coming months. Solution: Focusing on peace and how The Universe and my Oak Tree are always looking out for me. “All things are perfect exactly as they are.” Repeating that helps to let go the worries.

~Overwhelm. I’m so busy with my mom’s stuff, both the legal end and the physical end, and with trying to get back on top of work, and with trying to re-re-build my life, I haven’t even begun to look at what sorts of school stuff the kids need to be doing. Luckily they are taking classes on Mondays now which I think will cover their samples needed to turn in to the charter school we use (as well as allow me time to run errands and get work done). Solution: Focusing on the fact that this year has quite royally sucked for me, and how it’s OKAY to take a break from formal education and focus on unschooling and family togetherness for awhile while I get shit back under control.

I’ve been really bad about keeping up with The Happy lately. I’m just so tired (either physically or emotionally or both) that I’m too exhausted to even think about it. First step is to get my house reorganized again so I can have space to plan and think. Second step is to set myself some routines to follow, making time for healing activities (I had another dream about an un-cared-for cat last night). Then I have to follow those routines. Then, I think I’ll be able to keep up with at least my usual amount of duties and all I’ll need is a personal assistant to do the rest. Also winning the lottery wouldn’t hurt anything.

Here’s some recent Happy.

Happy Thing: Thunderheads

Happy Thing: Lavender Lemonade Popsicle

Happy Thing: A Rainy Afternoon

Happy Thing: The Way He Wrapped His Arm Around Me and Fell Asleep

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11 responses

15 09 2011
Corey

XOXO

15 09 2011
Jess

just hold on to the happy, Bonnie. That will carry you through and be the light at the end of your tunnel. Love you.

15 09 2011
bethany actually

I hope you know that while I did think of you when I saw that “what to focus on: happy” tattoo, I didn’t send them to you only because I wanted you to have a reminder to focus on The Happy. Mainly I sent them because I wanted you to wear them, share them with your kids if you like, and smile when you see them because they remind you that your friends (specifically me, but all of us!) love you. 🙂

15 09 2011
ZebraBelly

Well, I didn’t think you were nagging me about The Happy or anything if that’s what you are worried about, heh. (Although, srsly, awesome way to nag if it had been.) It’s a great gift, Bethany. It would be a great gift for me at any time b/c it’s something I always try to focus on (and tattoos! and rainbows!) but it’s especially perfect right now. I knew exactly what you intended. Thank you so much. ♥

15 09 2011
ZebraBelly

Oh, but do I HAVE to share them with the kids? *snicker*

15 09 2011
Sara W

I just read on another blog about using undiluted vinegar to wipe down stinky furniture (wood side tables in this instance.) The blogger (younghouselove) wrote that after wiping them down inside and out, there was no more odor. I also use it on my hardwood floors where my oh so lovely and considerate dogs pee. After the vinegar dries you can’t even tell that you used it.

16 09 2011
bethany actually

No. You absolutely do NOT have to share with the kids. LQTM

16 09 2011
Sarah

A quick Google seconds what Sara said – undiluted white vinegar could be your friend. Re-varnishing wood could also seal in the smell so it doesn’t escape into your home.

16 09 2011
ZebraBelly

Well, they could generally just use a whole refinishing but I’m in no position to do that right now. No space, no knowledge of how to do it and I’m not willing to be within five feet of sand paper ever.

But! I generally clean with a vinegar/water mixture anyway, so hopefully that helped already.

18 09 2011
Karen

Not much to say, but thinking of you thinking of you thinking of you.

24 09 2011
Jen

That last picture is so sweet I’m dying over here. Adorable.

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