A dramatic day at the ER. Well, technically, urgent care. I didn’t, like, arrive by ambulance, but I did get rushed in pretty quick.
Over the last few weeks I’ve had three instances where my hands and/or lips and the tip of my tongue went numb. Very vaguely. I wasn’t even sure it was happening. Sometimes it felt merely dull, sometimes it felt like soda. We talked about it at acupuncture last week but it was baffling since the areas that were numb didn’t follow the usual pathways of the nerves or some other body part I’m forgetting.
So today I dropped the kids off at school, came home and got to work on SOAM. And suddenly my whole face went numb and tingly. Even my eyeballs. It was positively frightening. After some calls to various people in my life who are smart and calm and loving, I headed off to urgent care and my aunt met me there. They put me in a room right away, took my vitals, and I was seen by a nurse practitioner who thoroughly checked me for signs of a stroke and called for blood work and a pee test (which is extremely difficult to do in jeans and a hospital gown with a tube in my arm ready for the IV, just FYI). And, ultimately, diagnosed me with “stress”. Which is likely accurate. And his explanation made sense at the time but two things have happened since then that bring back the worry. Firstly that he was referring to the facial area often relating to stress, but now the numbness has spread to my arms. Secondly that I forgot everything else he said and, therefore, how and why it made sense.
But I’m clearly not having a stroke and he was certain it wasn’t a brain thing. And my vitals showed my heart to be fine as well, so I have to assume that I will live through the night.
Almost two weeks ago we discovered we have parasites. The kind that are at least as contagious as lice and just as difficult to get rid of. The following morning I could barely function for being so depressed. I’m back in the darkness again. Again-again. I don’t understand why this year has to hit me so hard. I feel like I’m being punished. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to put up with this if more and more and more things happen.
I just got tomorrow’s entry ready for SOAM and she said something that make me wonder if this is like spiritual labor. The year has been hard from the start, but it’s gotten worse more and more recently (alternately: I can’t handle what I normally can so it just feels worse? But even when I look at me from outside, it still looks like too much), and maybe, at the end of this, the ninth month, I’ll be born, fresh and strong.
I wish I could believe that. Right now I’m so beaten down I can’t do anything but cry.
I’m scared. Being numb is scary. Really fucking scary. Being alone during it is really fucking scary. I have never felt so alone as this last month. I don’t mind the concept of being alone, but The Universe sure has been working the negative aspects of it recently. So I’ve been cherishing those moments when I can rely on people, and just trying to float along. I can’t even swim anymore, as Dory advises. I can just try not to drown.