I Eat Feet

15 04 2011

10 days without a new post. Have you missed me? I bet you have.

I’ve just been, in no particular order, exhausted, super busy, sick, and watching Dr. Who (and Torchwood – who knew that wasn’t just some boring teen drama on the CW? With a name like that, it’s like they were trying to make me assume it was a spinoff of One Tree Hill). Most of you probably know the reason for my Busy – I’ve finally launched This is a Woman. And now you need to go submit entries cause you love me.

I’ve had various topics in mind to blog, but mostly I can’t remember them. What I can remember right now is how heavy my heart is over my Big Mouth. It seems I just can’t say the right thing to anyone right now. I keep saying things to people and just hurting feelings to various degrees. This is something that’s natural to my personality, but it’s not embraceable like The Flaky because this hurts people I love. Over the years I’ve tried to stifle it, but I’ve found that really just separates me from people because in fear of saying the wrong thing, I say nothing at all. Afraid to hurt or to be embarrassed, I keep a distance.

An example of what it’s like to live in my brain:
Birthdays, baby showers, etc – these are difficult for me when it comes to opening gifts. For one thing I don’t like the bit where everyone looks at me. But also because etiquette is difficult for me. Following a script seems somehow insincere. Saying “thank you” seems almost trite, perfunctory. It makes me uncomfortable to not know how to really get across the depth of my gratitude, and in fact, I am deeply grateful for the smallest idea of a gift. It doesn’t help that I’m awkward about giving hugs or knowing how to share my affection. But, of course, a lack of thanks isn’t really the right answer, either.

That’s just one example of how I am socially stupid. I’ve been really incredibly socially stupid all winter. Sometimes it’s just a little comment, sometimes an awkward thanks, other times I’ve totally and completely fucked up an entire group of people. Awhile back I mentioned there was an issue with our usual Friday afternoon group. I won’t go into details here, but I will say that when I tried to solve the problem by bringing it up to the group, the other person involved rather misunderstood my intent to keep it anonymous, brought the details out in public and it became Internet Drama. While she is the one who brought it out in front of everyone I feel like I really royally fucked up by engaging it. Looking back I should have simply responded by clarifying my intent to keep the names and details private. And now I think a large part of the group feels awkward and afraid to meet together again and I blame myself for not having the presence of mind to end that part of the conversation right away. I was confused because the subject absolutely must be discussed for me and for other families to feel safe at this gathering, and I absolutely feel it’s the right thing to bring it before the group – in an anonymous fashion. I want to apologize to the group for getting entrenched in the details, but, frankly, I’m not sure I won’t say something even worse since that seems to be my speed right now. I feel very blessed that when I say stupid shit to my friends, I know I’m still much loved, but some of these people don’t know me very well and I feel badly that I’ve made them feel awkward when they really may not know me well enough to know my intents.

I talked about this with some good friends today – about how I just can’t seem to say the right thing lately and Karen had a really good way of describing it – I’m tearing down old filters and trying to build new ones, and it’s hard. Learning lessons sucks. I would much rather download it Matrix-style so I don’t have to hurt or offend anyone and so I can remain unembarassed. Still, I guess, at the end of this phase, it will be worthwhile if it allows me to create closer and more authentic relationships with my friends. Just bear with me while I eat my feet in front of you, ok?

And now, The Smiths, accompanying me on this awkward phase of my life. How… kind?

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7 responses

15 04 2011
bethany actually

Oh my goodness, I have Big Mouth disease too! I tend to take things very much at face value and not read between the lines, and I assume everyone else does the same. I mean, I know that they don’t, which is why I’ve had to teach myself to think before speaking and phrase things more tactfully sometimes. But it does not come naturally to me, and I slip up all the time. Sigh. I’m sorry you’ve been struggling with that lately, as it’s really not fun to feel like you’re saying the wrong thing all the time. And the knitting group situation sounds like it suuuucked. 😦 I hope it does get worked out eventually.

For what it’s worth, you can totally be tactless to me if you want. I can take it. 🙂 And I know you and your good heart, so I would put the best construction on whatever you said.

15 04 2011
ZebraBelly

That’s how I frame things, too – when I know a person’s heart is good, I just assume their intentions are as well. And I know my close friends do this with me as well – which is why you guys are my close friends, of course, because you know my heart and intentions – so I feel safer when it’s a good friend than I do with a stranger, but still I feel embarrassed and awkward and possibly also sad. Thanks for allowing me tactlessness. I’ll try not to use it, but chances are I probably will at some point. Heh.

15 04 2011
Elaine

Ok, you’re gonna hit me for this but I couldn’t focus on the rest of your post because for once, I know something about Dr. Who that you don’t:

“Torchwood” is just a “Doctor Who” word scramble. That’s why it’s called that.

Here’s where you tell me you already knew that.

15 04 2011
ZebraBelly

Oh I’m a Dr. Who newbie. I knew there WAS a Dr. Who and I knew he was British and had a blue phone booth thingie (which I understand NOW) but I’ve only just started the show recently. So you win. And that explains why Torchwood is such a randomly weird name. And it makes it SO MUCH BETTER. So thank you, and I shall bow to you next time I see you. Unless I forget.

16 04 2011
Sonja

I almost feel a little left out because you haven’t offended me! Get on that, will ya?!!

16 04 2011
clearheart

Well, you know this is all my fault right? Just so we’re clear. I’ve completely contaminated you to my rude ways of communicating. Done! Be happy now! Blame me!

2 12 2011
On being stupid and why it’s so important. « Z E B R A B E L L Y . C O M

[…] embarrassing. But holding back so hard you never fuck up means you don’t get to live. I wrote about this earlier this year in terms of relationships, but I’ve also been living it in other aspects of […]

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