Shit That Scares Me (Rated S for Scary)

14 03 2011

FYI – Don’t click on any links in the entry if you are a chicken like me.  In fact, it’s probably better not to read it at all.

I’ve been rewatching Firefly this week at Sonja’s suggestion since rumor has it that Netflix is going to remove all Joss Wheadon stuff (how cruel, really). I’d like to watch Buffy, actually, but there’s just way too much there to see in a month. Firefly seemed more doable since the assholes at Fox canceled it after only one season. And mostly Firefly makes for excellent watching, but the Reavers scare the everlovin’ SHIT out of me (note to self: never click that link again). Seriously. They’re right up there with that episode of Unsolved Mysteries about Roswell that I saw when I was a kid. Except that Firefly, thank God, doesn’t stick with me once the episode is over. I can leave the Reavers behind and go about my life with the lights out (I mean, when appropriate). Except for one small moment the other day when Elliott inexplicably threw a fork across the dinner table in a fit of silliness or five-year-old weirdness and for a split second, before I figured out the attack had come from a cuddly, giggling boy, I had the rather pointless urge to duck under the table while one word flashed across my mind: REAVERS. And then I recovered.

But there have been things that I haven’t been able to shake so easily. The aforementioned Unsolved Mysteries terrorized me for YEARS and scarred me to this day. Around the same time, you found the book Communion everywhere with that damn creepy alien face on it (note to self: never Google that book again). I can’t tolerate alien stories. Ever. Unless they are cute like ET. Also, I had no problem with ID4 for God knows what reason (the reason may very well have been Jeff Goldblum running around in a tank top) (another possible reason is that it was a terrible movie). But Signs? It took me years to sleep well after that one. YEARS.

There was a time in my life where I thought I was grown up enough to watch scary movies. I’d successfully made it through some classics like Halloween and The Exorcist so we watched The Mothman Prophecies. In all honesty I think I fell asleep during that one, but it didn’t matter because by that point I was already traumatized. So I resorted to Googling which often sheds light on something and makes it less scary. It didn’t. Because it turns out it’s not just a movie. I became convinced that I’d see the damn Mothman peeking in my windows (note to self: close blinds) signalling some terrible destruction (holy shit my phone just buzzed and I think I peed a little). It took me about six months to fully recover from that and then, of course, we watched Signs. And, for the record, the only reason I watched that one was because a certain bff (*cough*Melissa*cough*) promised that it ended sweetly, just like The Sixth Sense did. If by “sweetly” she meant “No, actually the aliens are real and really do want to kill us all.” Then, yes. It did.  To this day I refuse to even consider watching a Shayamalan movie until I know how it ends.

I think the reason that movie scared me so much was because it was so realistic. Here was a family – they didn’t know they were in a scary movie – just living their lives. Well, I am just living MY life and who’s to say I’m not in a scary movie, too? See? And, yes, I realize water was a great defense against the bad guys in that movie, but that was a MOVIE. When the real evil aliens come we’ll have to start from scratch and by then it’ll be too late.

I’m not sure which is more frightening – these movies or my logic.

Thank God I’m cute.

You know what else scares me? Bloody Mary. Now, I realize she only comes when you call her, but I am afraid that someday the temptation will be too much for me and on some midnight trip to pee I’ll lose control (please see above comment about me being cute), turn around, say her name three times, and… See her? Die? I don’t remember what comes next but I know it would be just awful. (SERIOUSLY my phone won’t stop buzzing and freaking me out. Must cut back on Words with Friends.)

I won’t even consider watching movies like Paranormal Activity (look it up yourself, I ain’t Googling THAT link for you) because realistic evil ghosts are just as frightening as realistic evil aliens. I can’t even tolerate the commercials for that one, no matter how terrible everyone says it was.

And so, despite the fact that I can watch Firefly with few side effects, I consider Reavers to be possibly the most frightening and evil thing I’ve ever heard of. So. Good work, Joss?

Now I think I will go and turn on every light in the house, close all the blinds, and watch about 6 hours of the Brady Bunch to wash my brain. Sweet dreams, y’all!


URGENT UPDATE:  I just remembered another big fear – 2012.  Seriously that shit freaks me out.  My only consolation is that hopefully I’ll die quickly.  Or, you know, that it will turn out to be a big, fun repeat of Y2K (which did not, for the record, freak me out in the least).  But whenever my mind turns to that direction, I stick my figurative fingers in my figurative ears and “LA LA LA LA LA” as loud as I can.  Strangely the movie of the same name?  Not scary at all.  In fact, it’s on my list of Best Terrible Movies Ever.  And not just because it stars my husband, John Cusack.  Because it is truly, wonderfully, terrible.  It’s exactly like The Day After Tomorrow but with fewer wolves and more Bible stories.