Today began lovely enough and yet deteriorated quickly into darkness. The kids began fighting and when they do, they don’t listen to me when I try to stop them – no matter what tactic I try. This makes me angry and we’re on our way into a downward spiral. But not just any downward spiral! The ones I take are extra special and loaded with generations of baggage. Yay.
I have all these jars in my heart where I organize my emotions. Lately, my anger jar has been nearly full nearly all the time due to any one of three men in my life – my husband, my father, and my landlord – and probably lots of other things, too. All have some sort of power over me, and all are, of course, men. I find this interesting, but am uncertain of what it means, exactly.
When my anger jar is full and I have an angry morning like today’s, it sort of all bubbles out like a baking soda and vinegar volcano. Except once it’s done, it’s not chemically spent; the anger still exists.
Yet, there is some element of deepness that comes with a volcanic morning like this. Things float up out of the jar, things that speak loudly to me.
I am trying not to hate myself for having these dramatic outbursts full of tears; I am trying to see the beauty in it. If I were to comfort a friend about this, I would tell her, “It’s because you are passionate and emotional and that is beautiful and a blessing – not a curse!”
But I feel cursed.
Nevertheless, here I am. And what struck me (and to which some, or most, of you will reply, “Well, duh.”) is that I am stagnant. Stuck. Wallowing. In my relationships. In my daily life. In my big goals. This is how I was raised, how I was taught to see the world. I am aware that it’s wrong, but haven’t been able to fight against it. No matter what method or plan I try, it never lasts. I feel out of control, drowning.
Today the problem has become clear to me (why the entire family has to be in on my emotional, um, discovery, I have no idea), but I am not sure how to fix it.
Years ago I discovered that the way I make changes in myself is by first embracing the problem, accepting it and owning it as a part of who I am. Only once I have done that can I begin to change the problem.
And so I am honoring this tendency of mine to be stagnant. Accepting it. Allowing me to Be it.
Maybe once this happens, I can let it go an move forward in every area that needs it.
Or maybe I can just take a nap.