Today is Shit

19 04 2010

Today began lovely enough and yet deteriorated quickly into darkness.  The kids began fighting and when they do, they don’t listen to me when I try to stop them – no matter what tactic I try.  This makes me angry and we’re on our way into a downward spiral.  But not just any downward spiral! The ones I take are extra special and loaded with generations of baggage.  Yay.

I have all these jars in my heart where I organize my emotions.  Lately, my anger jar has been nearly full nearly all the time due to any one of three men in my life – my husband, my father, and my landlord – and probably lots of other things, too.  All have some sort of power over me, and all are, of course, men.  I find this interesting, but am uncertain of what it means, exactly.

When my anger jar is full and I have an angry morning like today’s, it sort of all bubbles out like a baking soda and vinegar volcano.  Except once it’s done, it’s not chemically spent; the anger still exists.

Yet, there is some element of deepness that comes with a volcanic morning like this.  Things float up out of the jar, things that speak loudly to me.

I am trying not to hate myself for having these dramatic outbursts full of tears; I am trying to see the beauty in it.  If I were to comfort a friend about this, I would tell her, “It’s because you are passionate and emotional and that is beautiful and a blessing – not a curse!”

But I feel cursed.

Nevertheless, here I am.  And what struck me (and to which some, or most, of you will reply, “Well, duh.”) is that I am stagnant.  Stuck.  Wallowing.  In my relationships. In my daily life.  In my big goals. This is how I was raised, how I was taught to see the world.  I am aware that it’s wrong, but haven’t been able to fight against it.  No matter what method or plan I try, it never lasts. I feel out of control, drowning.


Today the problem has become clear to me (why the entire family has to be in on my emotional, um, discovery, I have no idea), but I am not sure how to fix it.

Years ago I discovered that the way I make changes in myself is by first embracing the problem, accepting it and owning it as a part of who I am.  Only once I have done that can I begin to change the problem.

And so I am honoring this tendency of mine to be stagnant. Accepting it.  Allowing me to Be it.

Maybe once this happens, I can let it go an move forward in every area that needs it.

Or maybe I can just take a nap.