This is Epic

19 03 2010

Ties so much together in so many little ways. Deeply important. I cried the tears of someone long lost, finally come home.

It fits.

“My thoughts turn to something I read once, something the Zen Buddhists believe. They say that an oak tree is brought into creation by two forces at the same time. Obviously, there is the acorn from which it all begins, the seed which holds all the promise and potential, which grows into the tree. Everybody can see that. But only a few can recognize that there is another force operating here as well – the future tree itself, which wants so badly to exist that it pulls the acorn into being, drawing the seedling forth with longing out of the void, guiding the evolution from nothingness to maturity. In this respect, say the Zens, it is the oak tree that creates the very acorn from which it was born.

“I think about the woman I have become lately, about the life that I am now living, and about how much I always wanted to be this person and live this life, liberated from the farce of pretending to be anyone other than myself. I think of everything I endured before getting here and wonder if it was me- I mean, this happy and balanced me, who is now dozing on the deck of the small Indonesian fishing boat-who pulled the other, younger, more confused and more struggling me forward during all those hard years. The younger me was the acorn full of potential, but it was the older me, the already-existent oak, who was saying the whole time-‘Yes-grow! Change! Evolve!Come and meet me here, where I already exist in wholeness and maturity! I need you to grow into me!’ And maybe it was this present and fully actualized me who was hovering four years ago over that young married sobbing girl on the bathroom floor, and maybe it was this me who whispered lovingly into that desperate girl’s ear, ‘Go back to bed, Liz…’ Knowing already that everything would be OK, that everything would eventually bring us together here. Right here, right to this moment. Where I was always waiting in peace and contentment, always waiting for her to arrive and join me.”

Copied and pasted from here. Because I am way too lazy to type it myself. But I did read the book myself and it was fabulous in so many, many ways.

I have been thinking deeply lately (who? me?), this time about my One Big Flaw – the One which has guided every single decision, little or big, I have ever made. That flaw is my fear, my inability, to face having someone dislike me in any way. Anyone from the most important people in my life to the stranger on the other side of the street as I walk in a busy city. I need, desperately, to be liked by everyone ever. Practically speaking, this is impossible, and so I am able to realize that in certain situations and shrug it off. But this desire is so innate, so deep, that it literally guides me in every little aspect of my life.

Late last night, I think it was, I thought SO deeply about this that I came full circle and realized that in as much as this has been my One Big Flaw, it is equally my One True Gift. It has forced my eyes and mind wide open, forced me to listen to every view point, forced me to seek knowledge and balance. When I have avoided debates for fear someone might dislike me, that very act, spineless though I always considered it, actually caused me to listen to them and to learn and grow. It made me who I am today.

All of my adult life I’ve felt that I’m just floating along in this river of life, not so much making decisions that lead me to where I am, but ending up in a better place somehow anyway. I used to believe it was God guiding me, but as my beliefs have changed (more correctly: as the Truth as I Feel It has been acknowledged) I have had to admit I don’t know who or what could possibly be guiding me to this better place. Maybe it’s me. Maybe my Me-to-Come is guiding me along, wanting so much for me to be who I can be that I can’t not hear it and follow.

A friend has spoken to me of the Waldorfy belief that children are born asleep and wake up little by little at certain stages of their lives. The more I look around the world, the more I feel that these Waldorf people are on to something. My daughter was born wide awake; we could have real grown-up conversations by the time she was a toddler. My son, on the other hand, is more deeply asleep, I think, than most children are. I have vivid and early memories of my toddlerhood, a few even of my babyhood. Most people I speak to find this strange and impressive, so I wonder if I was born awake and therefore more able to see clearly and remember things. On the other hand, I never consciously heard the call to grow – I just floated along the river, passively. So was I born asleep, not to wake up until the birth of my first child? Or perhaps my ears were just under water.

We read Jonathan Livingston Seagull in sixth grade and the concept of it hit me deeply, despite the fact that it is not at all what my belief system held to be true. Years later, I read something by Madeleine L’Engle (who? me?) which, although I did not connect it at the time, reflected this in a Christian light. She said she did not believe that Heaven was to be a big paradise with golden streets and our every need met – rather that it is a place where we continue our work for God, whatever that will be in the next plane. And all of this also somehow reflects the Hindu concept of reincarnation.

And so I wonder if I completed enough work in a past life that I was able to become aware in this one? And if that is true, and the Me-to-Come is calling me… How many lives away is she calling me from?

I don’t find that thought scary, or tedious. The concept that there is that much more work to be done is exciting and motivating! The idea that I may be calling myself from so far beyond is so utterly flooring and amazing and beautiful that it brings me to tears once again at the mere grandness of it all. Since having woken up these last few years, I love life. Even the hard parts. The bits where I am crying in a corner. Even in my darkest times, I feel that this is all progress and progress gets me There. And that? Is exciting.

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2 responses

20 03 2010
Claire

Ahhhhh.
A big sigh for my friend.
Me thinks you should come over and do more art.

24 03 2010
Jenny

I love this. Thank you for sharing it.

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