(Is second base the one where I feel her up? If not, you will have to change it to whichever base that is. But we’ll get into that later.)
Anyway, you will find the rest of the story here:
I remember the bus ride into Italy being one of the longer trips. I also remember having to actually get out of the bus at the border for a security stop. We were warned not to drink the water in Italy (because, Dolly told us, they were re-plumbing Italy that year) and when our bus stopped at a little market for us to grab a snack and stretch our legs they were all out of bottles of non-sparkling water. And because sparking water is kinda gross, I bought an “Eis” Tea. That looks more German than Italian, actually, so maybe the iced tea came from some other part of the trip. The point is that they had to bring out an extra case of plain water from the back to fill the needs of our busload of people. Also the point is that I kept that can of Eis Tea for YEARS, but had never rinsed it out and as time passed I became more and more afraid of it so that one day I finally threw it away only to have The
Packrat Husband pick it out and take it to the swap meet to sell for monies. One woman’s terror is another fool’s stupid purchase. I bet it had grown a Ghost in a Jar by then.
What was I saying? Oh, right: Bus Ride.
Somewhere along this bus ride, Johnny Quest (the man I secretly had a crush on) threw bread at me. I think I was singing a Muppet song and maybe he wanted to sleep, but really I think he thought I was damn cute and probably also hungry.
We had done our research on Italy and learned two important things:
1. If you see someone with a giant piece of cardboard, RUN. They are trying to rob you.*
2. If you see a baby flying through the air, swat it to the ground. It is also trying to rob you. OK, I mean its older siblings are trying to rob you.**
We were staying at the hotel Rafaelio (or something) and Kathy was mooning because it had been like ten whole days since she had seen her Rafael. Ah, young love. The beds were hard as rocks, but honestly, I loved it. The coffee was so thick you could stand a fork up in it, and honestly, I loved that, too. God bless the Italians for their coffee.
And then we headed into Venice. It was hot, and smelly and one of my very favorite cities in the world. I loved every bit of it from the architecture to the canals to the coffee to the sights and sounds and smells and also the coffee. We watched a demonstration in the glass factory, we toured the basilica (skirts only, women without them had to wait outside… unless that was some other church), fed the pigeons in St. Mark’s square, took a gondola ride during a thunderstorm, and SAW A MAN WITH A BIG PIECE OF CARDBOARD HEADED OUR WAY! I swear! So we shouted “cardboard!” and ran the other way. And I think this might be why the rest of the world hates America now.
The thing they don’t tell you about gondolas is that it’s really scary to be out on the main waterway, actually. The little canals are fine and peaceful, but that main river is wild and I am pretty sure we nearly capsized several times. The other thing they don’t tell you is that gondola drivers are scary and they yell at you at lot. It was muggy and began to sprinkle, thunder rumbling some distance away. And it is one of my favorite memories.
The following day we visited Verona. And by “visited Verona” I mean “we had about two hours total off the bus and spent about an hour traipsing back and forth to see the famous balcony of Juliet Capulet” (nevermind the bit about her being fictional). It’s a beautiful balcony. I’m not being sarcastic – it really is. And below it is a statue of Juliet which will bring good luck if you rub her boob. Therefore her boob is quite shiny. I don’t have a photo of the statue for some reason (I must have somewhere) so you can click here and see a fantastic one.
Stay tuned for Switzerland where you will finally hear the greatly overrated story of the time I was a prostitute and also about how I nearly lost my head.
*OK, technically? Dolly told us this so maybe not totally true. Next time I’m getting Rick Steves to be my guide.
**Technically? This was just a bit from Dr. Katz (no YouTube clip found – FAIL) and so maybe not 100% reliable as a travel guide. Still, if I were you, I would be highly suspicious of flying babies.
“I went to the Vatican City. I’m looking at the Vatican and I notice this lady all in black staring at me from across the street with a baby. And she’s got two grown up kids too – all in black. Out of nowhere she throws the baby at me. Just throws it – lobs it through the air. I’m like ‘OH MY GOD I HAVE TO CATCH THIS BABY!’ I position myself to catch it and as I am her bigger kids run across the street and pick my pockets. Take my cash, credits cards, traveler checks – everything – and then they are gone and i’m standing there with a baby. So…you know…let that be a travelling tip for you. If a women throws a baby at you, just swat it to the ground. Swat it and go ‘I Don’t Think So!'”
FINALLY updated here.