I am pretty sure I have the swine flu. I learned about the swine flu from Local News. I like to watch the Local News. Not so much in a “Wow, this is great, cutting-edge, reliable NEWS!” sort of way. No, for me, it’s more of an “OMG I can’t believe this is SO GHETTO” sort of way. It’s my personal version of trashy TV. Someday soon I will list for you all the reasons why KUSI wins hands-down in that contest. I tune into Local News each morning and evening and sometimes I flip around or watch two different news shows in a row.
Anyway, here is what I have learned from various news reports about the swine flu:
~Symptoms include coughing, achiness, fever, gallons of snot (much like regular flu).
~It does not need to be treated by a hospital, and generally goes away on its own (much like regular flu).
~On occasion, it can be fatal (much like regular flu).
But here’s the one that threw me:
~YOU DON’T NEED TO HAVE ANY ACTUAL CONTACT WITH A PIG (much like regular flu).
Apparently, it can “spontaneously appear” in humans. WTF? How is that fair at all?? Then it’s not SWINE flu, is it?
Actually, now that I think about it, no one ever asks if you’ve been in contact with chickens when you get chicken pox – they just assume you lead a chicken-free lifestyle. Maybe this phenomenon is more common than we thought?
The problem here is that swine flu cannot be diagnosed without lab tests to determine the strain (actually, that’s not necessarily a fact, it’s just my presumption based on what I’ve learned so far). So any time you have the flu – it could actually be swine flu in disguise! How can we stand for this dishonesty? It’s downright unAmerican.
I am pretty sure the swine flu is what my family is plagued by this week. I have all the symptoms:
No contact with pigs.
It all fits perfectly!
If this entry has been disjointed or somehow ended abruptly, you can blame the pigs. They probably deserve it.