Damn You, Pigs!

23 04 2009

I am pretty sure I have the swine flu. I learned about the swine flu from Local News. I like to watch the Local News. Not so much in a “Wow, this is great, cutting-edge, reliable NEWS!” sort of way. No, for me, it’s more of an “OMG I can’t believe this is SO GHETTO” sort of way. It’s my personal version of trashy TV. Someday soon I will list for you all the reasons why KUSI wins hands-down in that contest. I tune into Local News each morning and evening and sometimes I flip around or watch two different news shows in a row.

Anyway, here is what I have learned from various news reports about the swine flu:
~Symptoms include coughing, achiness, fever, gallons of snot (much like regular flu).
~It does not need to be treated by a hospital, and generally goes away on its own (much like regular flu).
~On occasion, it can be fatal (much like regular flu).

But here’s the one that threw me:

~YOU DON’T NEED TO HAVE ANY ACTUAL CONTACT WITH A PIG (much like regular flu).

Apparently, it can “spontaneously appear” in humans. WTF? How is that fair at all?? Then it’s not SWINE flu, is it?

Actually, now that I think about it, no one ever asks if you’ve been in contact with chickens when you get chicken pox – they just assume you lead a chicken-free lifestyle. Maybe this phenomenon is more common than we thought?

The problem here is that swine flu cannot be diagnosed without lab tests to determine the strain (actually, that’s not necessarily a fact, it’s just my presumption based on what I’ve learned so far). So any time you have the flu – it could actually be swine flu in disguise! How can we stand for this dishonesty? It’s downright unAmerican.

I am pretty sure the swine flu is what my family is plagued by this week. I have all the symptoms:

Cough
Snot
Fever
Aches
Chills
No contact with pigs.

It all fits perfectly!

If this entry has been disjointed or somehow ended abruptly, you can blame the pigs. They probably deserve it.

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8 responses

23 04 2009
clearheart

My mom sent me an article about the Swine Flu today all freaking out and such. It was actually about her 10th email today b/c she has a horrible flu caused by not pigs as well and she’s sitting around listening to her Ghetto Salinas news and hearing about the “San Diego Swine Flu” and instead of thinking how Ghetto it all is, she’s thinking “Wow, this is great, cutting-edge, reliable NEWS!” I better share it and start praying!
And mom if you link to this blog through mine and see this, sorry! I love you anyway.

23 04 2009
ZebraBelly

Oh, I get crazy (OK, crazier than usual) when I’m sick and this flu has been all sorts of horrible things in my imagination this week. I feel her pain.

I knew the News was stretching things when they followed this story with one on OMG – a CHICKEN POX OUTBREAK! Nooooo! Run for the HILLZ!

23 04 2009
Vickii

So did I have the swine flu when I was sick recently? I didn’t think it was anything so dramatic, but it certainly was very long and very sickly-causing. So it must have been. AND! AND! I also had no contact with pigs. Oh. Wait. I ate bacon. And I live with a cop. On the same day, I ate bacon WITH a cop. Does that count?

23 04 2009
Elaine

I think Mark has it to, but so far I’m swine free.

We are getting chickens soon, though, so if anyone wants the chicken pox, you’re welcome to come rub all over their feathers.

24 04 2009
Jenny

I hope you start feeling better soon. And that you weren’t contagious when we saw you last week as I’d hate to get swine flu; it sounds just awful.

Elaine~ We are so over at your place rubbing on chicken feathers when you have them. Maybe I should wait a year or 2 though so all 3 will get it at once…

25 04 2009
The Cop

Guess I won’t be gettin’ the ‘swine’ flu….and technically you prolly didn’t have it either, honey, being that you had contact with a ‘cop’….Hrmph.

=P

P.S. Hope you’re feelin’ better Z.

25 04 2009
ZebraBelly

You guys are cracking me up, BTW. It’s a strange sound.

25 04 2009
Amy

What if you DO come in contact with a swine? What do they call the illness then? Probably something logical and intelligent like…iguana influenza! Or maybe cow cholera.

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