I am so sick.and.tired of being fat.
I don’t particularly like the way I look, but what’s unbearable for me is the way I feel. There are no clothes left that fit me right, aside from my fancy Enwrapture Skirts and yoga pants (which showcase the lovely fat & skin I have roundabouts my abdomen). I can’t find shirts that fit anymore – in part because of my tall torso, but also because designers hate plus-size women. I find that, even if I could afford Torrid or Lane Bryant, the shirts are too short and wide to look good on me. Pants don’t stay up on me no matter what size I buy. I don’t care if I have to buy a size bigger – if it looks and feels good, I’m happy. My problem is that I can’t find anything that does look or feel good.
I have spent much time on this problem – particularly last year. I was sugar-free for a long time. I watched my fats (the bad ones, anyway), ate well, exercised regularly and yet there was zero weight loss. In fact, I have gained about 15 pounds over the last year. HOW IS THAT FAIR?
I’m planning to have my thyroid checked (again) and I hope for some better answers this time. Not that thyroid problems are a bow of cherries, or anything, but damn, an answer would at least be a relief.
And then, last week, a friend posted this blog entry which threw me for a loop. At first I felt like it really hit home. After all, my anxiety of the past three and a half years really does make my mind act as though I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop – could it be making me hold on to weight? Maybe. On the other hand, I’ve also spent the last three years working so hard at letting go and I think I do a fairly good job now. Not perfect, but enough that – if this is related – I would think I would have seen a difference in the past year.
I began this year working out and I felt SO GOOD. I could feel how fit my body was getting each week. Exercises were easier, I could walk farther faster for longer periods of time, I had more energy – clearly it was working. And yet, the weight gain continued.
So I have spent the last three weeks wallowing in self-pity and doing nothing and caring little. That didn’t work, either.
I am ready to give it a go again. Focusing on exercise, since that felt so good all around and just ignoring my weight. I have made peace with my size as much as possible right now, I will wear clothes that make me feel good even if I wear the same outfit daily, and I will keep adorning myself with jewelry daily as it makes me feel special and beautiful. I’ll focus on eating veggies, but will not be terribly strict at this moment on the rest of my diet (which is fairly good in general, anyway) so that I can devote my energies to these other first steps.
I just don’t know how to keep myself motivated. I tend not to write about this here because generally when I do, I fall right off the wagon (knock wood!). I am not – NOT – going to try to lose weight right now. Maybe that is what will help me stay with my goals this time? I’m just going to focus on feeling good and finding clothes that make me look as good as I want to feel. Fat can be beautiful, too, and if that’s who I have to be, that’s who I have to be – but I can be healthy, too. And, perhaps, someday the two will work things out for themselves, or maybe I will find some other reason for my weight. But in the mean time, I’m just going to love me.
Of course. It’s about that time that they aimed to show the documentary on TV over in the UK so who knows how I will feel after that. Heh.