Fat

23 03 2009

I am so sick.and.tired of being fat.

I don’t particularly like the way I look, but what’s unbearable for me is the way I feel. There are no clothes left that fit me right, aside from my fancy Enwrapture Skirts and yoga pants (which showcase the lovely fat & skin I have roundabouts my abdomen). I can’t find shirts that fit anymore – in part because of my tall torso, but also because designers hate plus-size women. I find that, even if I could afford Torrid or Lane Bryant, the shirts are too short and wide to look good on me. Pants don’t stay up on me no matter what size I buy. I don’t care if I have to buy a size bigger – if it looks and feels good, I’m happy. My problem is that I can’t find anything that does look or feel good.

*sigh*

I have spent much time on this problem – particularly last year. I was sugar-free for a long time. I watched my fats (the bad ones, anyway), ate well, exercised regularly and yet there was zero weight loss. In fact, I have gained about 15 pounds over the last year. HOW IS THAT FAIR?

I’m planning to have my thyroid checked (again) and I hope for some better answers this time. Not that thyroid problems are a bow of cherries, or anything, but damn, an answer would at least be a relief.

And then, last week, a friend posted this blog entry which threw me for a loop. At first I felt like it really hit home. After all, my anxiety of the past three and a half years really does make my mind act as though I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop – could it be making me hold on to weight? Maybe. On the other hand, I’ve also spent the last three years working so hard at letting go and I think I do a fairly good job now. Not perfect, but enough that – if this is related – I would think I would have seen a difference in the past year.

*sigh*

I began this year working out and I felt SO GOOD. I could feel how fit my body was getting each week. Exercises were easier, I could walk farther faster for longer periods of time, I had more energy – clearly it was working. And yet, the weight gain continued.

So I have spent the last three weeks wallowing in self-pity and doing nothing and caring little. That didn’t work, either.

I am ready to give it a go again. Focusing on exercise, since that felt so good all around and just ignoring my weight. I have made peace with my size as much as possible right now, I will wear clothes that make me feel good even if I wear the same outfit daily, and I will keep adorning myself with jewelry daily as it makes me feel special and beautiful. I’ll focus on eating veggies, but will not be terribly strict at this moment on the rest of my diet (which is fairly good in general, anyway) so that I can devote my energies to these other first steps.

I just don’t know how to keep myself motivated. I tend not to write about this here because generally when I do, I fall right off the wagon (knock wood!). I am not – NOT – going to try to lose weight right now. Maybe that is what will help me stay with my goals this time? I’m just going to focus on feeling good and finding clothes that make me look as good as I want to feel. Fat can be beautiful, too, and if that’s who I have to be, that’s who I have to be – but I can be healthy, too. And, perhaps, someday the two will work things out for themselves, or maybe I will find some other reason for my weight. But in the mean time, I’m just going to love me.

Of course. It’s about that time that they aimed to show the documentary on TV over in the UK so who knows how I will feel after that. Heh.

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6 responses

23 03 2009
kelli

I think you are beautiful! I know it feels yuck to have more body than you are used to, but I think your outlook is great. Focus on feeling good and being healthy. That’s the most important thing. I do hope you can find an answer for the extra gain.

23 03 2009
lorien

I am right there in the same boat with you there (well, except that a very fashion savvy and generous friend gave me all her old pants when she lost the weight). It really does make a big difference having clothes that fit right–makes you feel almost instantly better about yourself when you don’t have to sausage yourself into ill-fitting clothes. Have you tried Target? Their plus sized clothes are really cute.

23 03 2009
Sarah

I’m so glad you reminded me about that programme. I’ve set the series to record so I have no chance of missing you dancing about in your all together.

23 03 2009
Amy

I feel ya sweetie. I’m 5’3 and 230. BLEH. I’d love to say well, I just had a baby, but that was 11 months ago and after I had her I was 208!

It really helps me to stay motivated if I tell other people about what I’m doing, get work out buddies, etc. If I have to be accountable to other people it gives me more of a drive to accomplish things!

24 03 2009
Amy

Bons, I can’t remember if you said you ever started taking them or not, but weren’t you taking or considering taking some anti-anxiety/antidepressants? A lot of the SSRI’s and NRI’s can cause weight gain even if you are doing everything to NOT gain weight. And of course there is thyroid…I have an underactive thyroid and there are times when they say my levels are normal and I SWEAR they are not. You could have a whole subclinical thyroiditis thing going on. Anyway, I think you are fine as you are but I also know it’s not fun to feel uncomfortable with yourself so I hope you can find a peaceful way to deal with this 🙂

24 03 2009
ZebraBelly

It’s not the meds, Amy. I’ve been slowly gaining since E’s birth almost four years ago and was only on meds from Oct-Jan. And – funny story, heh – I wasn’t even taking the amount I was supposed to be taking because I am a Big Flake. Someday I might bore you with tht story.

Lorien, I was at Target just Saturday and they had a grand total of TWO small racks of plus-sized clothes. WTF? Anyway, their clothes, although cute, seem to have the same problem as plus-sized clothes everywhere in that they just don’t fit my body shape.

Thanks, everyone, for your support!

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