Surfing the Ocean of Anxiety and Body Image

5 01 2009

I am riding high on anxiety this week. Only it’s not my usual insane puke-related anxiety, it’s actually valid stress for once.

See, on Wednesday, I have to strip down to my bathing suit (did I mention it’s January?) and BE FILMED BY AN INTERNATIONAL DOCUMENTARY CREW. I am just the tiniest bit completely terrified.

I made a promise to myself a few years ago – a promise I have kept faithfully – to never apologize for my body. To do so is buying into the idea that my weight is not OK. From a health perspective it’s not, of course, what I mean is that I won’t hate myself just because I weigh too much. It’s not an issue of morals, it’s simply a fact: I am overweight. It doesn’t make me bad or slobby or ugly or worthless, yet that is what society teaches – fat people are worthless.

And it takes a lot to get past that. I am not there by any means, but the least I can do is never apologize for it again. I’m fat, so what? I’m a good person. I’m creative, I’m loving, I’m trying to change the world. What difference does my weight make?

And yet? I weigh the most I ever have and now I’ve got to go be on TV in a swimsuit.

I asked my friends to join me and some of them did and others told me out right that they just don’t want to do it. And I don’t blame them one bit! If I could get out of it, you bet I would, but it’s not like I’m going to say, “No, sorry, please don’t spread the word to other women and moms that our bodies can be loved no matter their size or shape!” I have no choice but to carry this on.

And so, perhaps, you can see how completely freaking terrified I am? I sort of want to puke over the thought (Oh, I guess it’s puke-related after all, heh). Instead I will do my best to hold my head high, pull my shoulders back, and act like I am damn proud of who I am – I owe it to the women who will watch it. I owe it to myself.

But, still, if you could go ahead and send some serious rainy-day vibes this way? So I can at least get out of the swimsuit part? That would be great.

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8 responses

5 01 2009
lorien

Yeah. I’m not feeling so good about it either but I will be there with you. Rainy day thoughts coming though, that would be nice.

5 01 2009
marci

you’re beautiful, bonnie…and not just on the inside, either, although you are lovely on the inside, too. i will be thinking about you. ❤

5 01 2009
Corey

May I remind you that this is not the first time you’ve been on television in your bathing suit?

And because you are… THINK SEXY! WOO!

5 01 2009
ZebraBelly

Yes, but that time I was IN the water where I feel (mostly) hidden and safe. This time there is no way in heck I am getting in that unheated frigid pool! Also, this time the focus will be on ME and BODIES. Not on the City’s budget, yk? Thus, I can’t conisder that prep for this. Oy.

5 01 2009
Sarah

7th paragraph, 3rd sentence: absolutely the best advice, so make sure you heed it. Or I’ll be over there with a spike.

6 01 2009
Mardi

You are amazing.

6 01 2009
Anna

You are gorgeous and will be fabulous as always. 😀

8 01 2009
Mina

I checked SOAM and saw this website (I hope that’s OK, since we don’t actually know each other and I’m really just some random person who emailed you through your other blog…). I thought of you all day yesterday and wished I were there – so…how did it go????

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