Life. Don’t talk to me about Life.

23 09 2008

On the edge of an emotional collapse. I can feel it, and, oddly, I welcome it. Because I feel like things will be better once I gather myself up. I just don’t know which way to go from here. But something has got to happen soon because I just cannot live like this.

My daughter is absolutely INSANE lately. She is at the worst point she has been at in over two years and this time she has new maturity to go with it, so the simple days of Tantrums From Hell are mere blissful memories now. These days she follows us around, tormenting us until we snap. I know there is something going on inside her little body, and we have some testing for various things including health issues, yeast issues and food issues coming up. But before I can do that, I have to figure out what to decide and what needs to be tested for. Also how to get her to hold still while they shove a needle up her arm. HAH.

My son? Oh, yes, he’s three and he also follows us around tormenting us, but it’s simpler and much easier to get him back on track since he only does it when bored. Problem solved – get him busy! But when he’s following his sister around hitting her and pushing her, she retaliates in a physical way as well, and oh God, I need some Valium.

My husband? I am SICK TO DEATH of living with him. Just the actual living part, not of being with him. I feel like I could remain happily married my whole life if we just had different houses. He rags on me for leaving hair in the hairbrushes and then he? leaves piles of hair which he has removed from the brushes around the house. Low is that any less gross?? And the clutter! And the dirty clothes on the floor! I try so hard to keep the house decent-looking, I cannot tolerate his crap. It makes me feel like he doesn’t appreciate how hard I work around here. And that makes me yell too much.

And money. I cannot seem to save for a house at all because we constantly have these stupid expenses like the dentist, or M’s upcoming blood tests. It’s like The Universe gets notice of my new income level and decides to balance it out by creating this big hole in my checking account equal to my paychecks.

But living here is driving.me.insane since we are all cooped up together inside. Going out requires so much energy since I have to be out front with them and the back yard isn’t big enough for them to ride bikes or anything (plus, you know, the widow population is growing. we found an empty brown widow sac the other day *shiver*). I crave living in an actual house where the kids can play in the back yard and where we can have space.

I can only balance so much at any given time. Right now my focus is on schooling the kids so things like taking my vitamins falls by the wayside. I cannot seem to be able to do it all and I don’t understand why.

Whatever is coming better come soon because I am so done with Life as it is at this moment. I have not felt this dark in three years. And it’s very, very tiring.

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5 responses

23 09 2008
Jess

I am sending you huge internet hugs and lots of positive vibes. I know its not much, I wish I could do more for ya.

23 09 2008
Katie

I am feeling similar. Dude. And I can’t remember how exactly you got on the homeschool path? Things are looking like they’re heading that way for us and I need guidance and/or commiseration. Can you point me to something in an archive?

23 09 2008
Sonja

How ’bout I give you a little cuddle?
Okay, a big one.

28 09 2008
Corey

We need to leave the kids with their dads and meet in Las Vegas for a day.

29 09 2008
Elaine

So been there. Somehow the part about the Husband really spoke to me. Boys are silly and sometimes stupid and yet, we love them. Even when we want to hurt them.

We all need a cookie.

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