this afternoon

15 08 2008

this afternoon is surreal. i am feeling as though i am walking through a novel, or perhaps an independent film.

and i am having a bad day with the depression. which isn’t much compared to the old days. it is merely a shadow of depression now, but still, there is the laziness i cannot overcome. it’s nothing worth mentioning, and it makes me elated that it is all that remains of the days where i would cry all afternoon for no reason, of the days when i lost it and smacked my small daughter. laziness is nothing. laziness is beautiful and happy. happy.

and in my back yard today we discovered three new widows, plus the one we already knew about. and a web which i am certain belongs to another, but i cannot find her. i mentioned this already. what i did not mention is that my son came within centimeters of touching one.

this afternoon the kids are at grandma’s so i am alone.

and i have just finished rereading the time traveler’s wife. which is surreal and heart-wrenching in and of itself.

and i have just come in from the yard where i sprayed poison into the environment in the hopes that we can have our yard back again. i sprayed at the five brown widow egg sacs and the widow herself came running out, shockingly white-backed with darkly contrasting legs. sprayed her, too. as she curled up and drunkenly rolled over, I saw her bright orange hourglass. bitch. fucking bitch.

not like i hold her personally responsible for existing. but, fuck.

have i ever mentioned how very much i hate spiders? i am sitting here, shaking, and crying because not only can i not handle seeing them move, but these deadly ones – running at me? fuck.

i am so absolutely terrified of these horrible spiders.

and so i am feeling surreal and puffy-eyed from crying (the book mostly, a little from the spiders) and fake and frightened and dizzy and weak and itchy.

and i am off to run to the store to buy some remaining ingredients for pizza. i will teach you how to make homemade pizza that’s just as easy as frozen or delivery.

update… i went to the grocery store thinking some bright lights and normalcy would do me good. instead, i found a completely rearranged store that came with a feeling of displacement, like when you visit a store in a town that is not your own. so much for normalcy. the good thing is that i have downgraded from feeling like i am walking around in some IFC movie to feeling like i am starring in a cheesy 80’s music video. good. almost back to my ghetto self.

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One response

23 08 2008
bethany actually

Yikes yikes yikes…deadly spiders are soooo not fun. I hope they all go away and let you have your yard back.

I hope the trip out to desert tower clears away the laziness and the feeling of being in a cheesy 80s video! I am so sorry we had to miss it.

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