(When I see that word by itself like that I hear the Sex Pistols. Just so you know.)
But the problem I wish to speak of at this moment is that one night while we all lay sleeping in our beds some evil imps came in and changed all the channels on my cable. You would think that our cable would have let us know, but we are not, technically, a client. Not in the stealing-your-neighbor’s-HBO sort of way, but in the sort of way that our apartment comes with free cable and so it is out landlord who is the recipient of the bills.
And so I woke up one morning to discover that PBS was replaced by Telemundo (uh, or something) and that the TV Guide channel was replaced by PBS and that USA was replaced by the TV Guide channel. I have no idea where USA went. I would have to watch the TV Guide channel to find out.
But here’s the thing: USA HAS ALWAYS BEEN ON CHANNEL 2. Always. And PBS has always been on channel 12! (Except for those of you fancy people with Cox Cable in which case it’s been on 11 for years now. Or it was back when I watched cable at other people’s houses. Like before kids? Anyway, yes, I know this. I am weird that way. I also know that when Nickelodeon first existed it was on channel 16. Back when cable only went to channel 18. And OMG remember when you had to PAY for Disney???)
Oh yes. I was saying: I do not deal well with change. How do I make my mind understand that MTV isn’t on 30? MTV feels wrong not on 30. Of course MTV just feels wrong with the lack of “music” in their “Music TV” but then I am old that way. The yoots of today have no clue they once played music videos. OK, bad example.
Back when I was little and there were un-cable channels hidden under the fancy cable channels for ritzy people like us, all I wanted was to watch The Berenstein Bears on Channel 2. But we didn’t HAVE channel 2, we had USA. And so I was stuck with Calliope and the Cartoon Express. And so you see that even though I was bitter as a child, I have spent 83% of my life feeling safe and comfortable in the fact that if I ever wanted to watch Monk or whatever-the-hell else they show on USA that I could turn to channel 2 and find it there, reliably. Now all I can do is turn to channel 2, wait until the TV Guide channel runs through 68 WHOLE other stations (hey, yes, we have ghetto cable) plus the weather and the show listings they recommend just to find out where USA is. I could be missing precious minutes of Monk or whatever-the-hell else is on.
I made a remarkably long entry on this subject (or lack thereof). I feel like this entry has been somewhat disjointed, but has had some funny moments and some good retro bits as well. What did you think? Did I drag it out too long? Did you enjoy the bit about the ice cream? (Way back at the beginning. Go ahead. Scroll back.) Do you remember Calliope? Did you know how to spell it? No, me neither.