16 03 2007

Most of the time I love the internet, it broadens my horizons which have directly contributed to who I am today. On the other hand, it broadens my horizons and shows me the terrible tragedies of the world in grand scale compared to what I’d hear about without it. Since starting SOAM, several mothers (count is up to four or five?) have posted their heartbreaking stories about their sweet little stillborn babies. A friend on my AP board was at the birth of her best friend’s baby who died. The horror of what happened to Lily Mathis. Hearing about Elaine’s friend. And just last night I learned of another friend’s loss earlier this month. We aren’t close anymore (and how I wish we were now) but I just think she is one of the most genuine and pure people I’ve ever met. She’s nothing but good and my heart is just broken for her.

At the beginning of a pregnancy the goal is to make it to 12 weeks and then you know everything will be fine. But then you hear about late miscarriages or missed ones. So you think, if I can just get to the birth it will all be OK. But then you worry about SIDS so you think, ok, then one year old and we’ll be free and clear! And then you look around and see all the choking hazards, so you revise your plan to three years old. And it finally hits you: it never ends. Until the day I die, I will be worrying about the safety of these little people; when they go for a bike ride on their own, when they walk to the corner store, when they first drive on their own, when they go away to college or on their first vacation. And you’ll never be truly safe because something terrible could rip them away at any moment; a car accident, a blood clot in the barin as a result of an unknown birth defect, the next 9/11 or cancer.

And it’s not just them, but you. Everyday things become terrors suddenly; a staircase becomes a broken neck, a vacation becomes a plane crash, even stubbing your toe becomes a case of gangrene. The fear that you might leave your babies is almost more crippling than the loss of losing them. Life becomes suddenly more wearisome.

I knew having kids would be tough. I knew there would be sleepless nights and tantrums and toys all over the place. But I had no clue how emotionally tolling it would be. Even if I had known, I would still have become a mother. But I sometimes with I was more prepared for this. On the other hand, I imagine it’s impossible to convey to someone how very deeply it effects you.

Some days I just can’t handle this world of the “internets”. A small world can be an amazing thing, but it can be deeply terrifying, as well.




3 responses

16 03 2007

For crying out loud! You are too right, and I don’t like it. *sigh*

The thing is, you wouldn’t really not have kids just because of this, right? RIGHT? (please?)

16 03 2007
lola coca-cola

I think I was still pregnant when I realized that I have left myself open to the worst kind of pain there is, ever. When I let myself think about what can happen and what that hole in my life would be like, I am more scared than I have ever been in my entire life. Terrified.

16 03 2007

Sonja – Nope. I would still have chosen to be a mother. Absolutely. Now if someone how told me how many poop jokes a 4yo could tell in a single day, I might have changed my mind. LOL

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