A Good Place

16 12 2006

I was poking through old entries the other day, trying desperately to remember what all had happened this year so I could include it in our family’s holiday letter, and I realized that life is good. And that last entry with the meme (I still want to know: what the hell is a “meme”???) is a good example, too.

The first few entries find me struggling with depression, with my daughter, with life in general. And, while it pains me to remember those days, it relieves me to know I’m mostly through the forest now. My daughter is still wild and trying at times, but I feel confidant about her future far more often now. I still have mild issues with anxiety, especially at night (is it just habit, or something more?), but for the most part, my depression is gone. I haven’t spent the afternoon crying for no reason for well over six months now! Yippee!!

I just feel lighter somehow, reading those old entries and realizing how far I’ve come.

This is one of the times, I love having a blog. Without it, I would not have remembered how bad things were to compare to now.

Tuesday night was an absolutely terrible night for me. My little baby boy injured himself again. At first I didn’t think much of it, but when he would not stop crying, I began to check him out. And it became clear that he was avoiding standing on his foot. And when he did try to put weight on it, I heard all these horrible cracking sounds! I stayed calm and thought clearly about it all, but decided to take him in for an x-ray because the last time he broke a bone, I let him crawl on it for five days and, dammit, I wasn’t gonna let the neglect happen again! So I told the husband I needed to take him in and when I told him, he freaked out. And when he freaks out, you know something is serious, because he is not the hypochrondriac in the family. So my logical brain called out my emotions and told them it was time for Plan B – panic! (Where’s a good copy of the Hitchhiker’s Guide when you need one???) Anyway, in the end, it was not another broken bone – thank God! – but merely a sprain and he was back to walking on it only 24 hours later. The amazing thing about all this is that I feel much stronger now. Since he broke his arm, back in June, I’ve had this gaping hole in my heart full of fear. Every time he fell I’d panic inside. Every time he and his sister would wrestle, I’d panic inside. It was terrible not knowing why such a freak accident cause his bone to break, and I was afraid someday we’d find out there was a horrible reason for it. But now that he’s fallen and gotten injured and didn’t break, I feel somehow stronger about the whole thing. I no longer worry nearly as much as I have been all these months. I feel like this injury happened for a reason: to heal me. That’s not self-absorbed at all, is it?

And as for those people who hurt me so deeply recently? I am not clear on exactly what happened, but I don’t feel the deep anger I did towards them. I also do not feel as close to them, and I lost a hell of a lot of respect for the one, but I feel like I can be quite civil, and I have peace in my heart.

This year is wrapping up rather like a season of a TV show. It’s eerie. Or, no, wait. I just watch too much TV. Yeah, that’s more likely.

In any case, I’m happy with life right now and I feel really great to be in such a good place for once.

Peace, all.




One response

18 12 2006

kisses all over for GOOD PLACES!!! Yay. pass it on, ok?

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