March Tweets. Which begin with Gary Oldman posing as a local librarian and end with me teaching my kids to sing “Crap Asshole.” It was a good month.

14 04 2012

Dude. I think that librarian over there is Gary Oldman.
Mar 1

Elliott picked up his first chapter book (Star Wars) today at the library. When asked how it was, he replied, “Good. Awesome. Like a pony.”
Mar 1

(At Disneyland) Stormtrooper just got friendly with me. So I turned to the Dark Side. Turns out I’m kinda easy.
Mar 2

You know what’s fucking rad? When Netflix Streaming is all “Doctor Who: New Episodes.” Excuse me while I cease all normal living activities.
Mar 3

Yesterday I found three double-sided half-dollars. I am going to win all coin tosses from now on. I mean. As soon as I learn to flip a coin.
Mar 6

Me: No chocolate chips! I just told you no sugar. Margie: Oh, that didn’t calculate in my brain because those aren’t words.
Mar 7

*Again* having the conversation about how I don’t have a penis. This is, apparently, so ridiculous that it doesn’t even REGISTER w/ Elliott.
Mar 7

“Hey mom, how old were you when Sesame Street first came out?” <–NOT BORN, KID. I also wasn't around to see dinosaurs, FYI.
Mar 8

When I was 5ish, I had this philosophy that I was actually still asleep in my crib dreaming a preview of my life. I just remembered that.
Mar 10

Note to self: learn to make salted lemonade.
Mar 10

Another thought I had as a child was that I would sometimes sleep for days or weeks an everyone was in on not telling me. Paranoid much?
Mar 14

(After the Hunger Games midnight show) You know what's stupid? The morning happening so soon.
Mar 23

Turns out a nap was good enough. Maybe it was a bit hasty to have put on the pj's at 4pm.
Mar 23

I'm buying more potato chips because society has failed me by not providing me with any Potato Chip Anonymous meetings in my area.
Mar 23

I had a full 10 hours of sleep last night so I don't need any coffee this morning. HAHAHA I'M KIDDING. I always need coffee. Always.
Mar 24

I just dropped some of my blood off at FedEx. Weirdest thing I've done all week.
Mar 26

The storm's not even totally gone yet and already my sinuses want to explode because of a Santa Ana. Hey, Weather? Calm the fuck down, ok?
Mar 26

Ode to the silverfish that's been sitting on my living room wall all day: Fucking LEAVE, already.
Mar 26

That silverfish is gone from my wall. Just now? I had a narrow miss when he fell off the ceiling in front of me. Well, played, asshole.
Mar 27

Do you ever just look down at your desk all like, "Where the frak did all these Hershey's coconut kiss wrappers come from?"
Mar 27

Word(s) of the day today: Crap Asshole. #motheroftheyear
Mar 27

I just bought Margie a neon green top. I'm recording this here so no one can ever say I wasn't supportive. #momoftheyear #thistimeforreals
Mar 31








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