Float On

9 08 2011

Life is surreal right now. I’m half-asleep. Too tired to wake up fully. Floating slowly in the direction of life, giving a kick now and then to make sure I keep moving in the right direction, albeit ever so slowly. Which is guess is the Right Answer for now anyway. This is where I’m supposed to be. Right? But holy hell it sucks.

And sometimes I wonder. Where is the line? How many weeks of downtime am I supposed to allow myself? I am not functioning well right now. Barely cooking, and when I do it is always simple and unbalanced meals. What are these vegetables of which you speak? No wonder we all feel so gross lately. I’m keeping up with only the very basic in housework and workwork. I’ve haven’t written anything in weeks, my websites are suffering. I think, under ideal circumstances, I’d be taken care of, but that isn’t an option here in this one-adult household and so we’re all sort of on our own right now. I’m barely mothering, too, right now. My children are fed and clean, but I’m far too snappy with too little patience and too many meltdowns too often. How long am I supposed to allow all this? Part of me wants me to give myself a fucking break and just Allow Life to Be what it is. To honor the grief. But part of me, I think that part that is less Wild, nags at me to suck it up and get back on track. I’m am feeling guilty and angry at myself for not being able to think clearly and Do Stuff.

I don’t know what the right answer is, but I hope floating on slowly is acceptable because it’s all I have in me right now.


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6 responses

9 08 2011
Claire

Well, just the categories alone in this make me shudder.
I would like to make a meal for you and yours, but I want to know what exactly would be eaten/helpful. What will NOT get eaten?
Also, a green smoothie a day would possibly help. Do you do those?
You are doing very well with all this and it will get easier and it will take for-fucking-ever. Which is, actually, not very helpful sounding, but realistic. This is a season. The season of floating on. You will look back on it as a time you handled it and parts of it will seem like a bad dream. Don’t try and rush what doesn’t need to be rushed.

9 08 2011
Sonja

1. I’m happy you’re floating in my direction tomorrow.
2. It sounds kind of normal/to be expected that you’re going through what you’re going through because of what you went through (this makes perfect sense in my head).
3. If you feel guilty about this break your brain/body is taking, perhaps you could pick The One Thing you could handle right now that’d be a step in the right direction. Maybe that’s focusing a bit more energy on your cooking (BTW, what you served us was delicious) or maybe it’s being more intentional about spending time playing… with your kids, maybe it’s forcing yourself to go to bed earlier or taking a magical happy-supplement?
3. I must really love you because I just typed all that out on the touch screen! <3

9 08 2011
bethany actually

My grandma suddenly and unexpectedly passed away when my mom was my age, 36. My mom says she was depressed and sort of withdrawn for probably a year after that. She kept going and lived her life but she knew she wasn’t entirely herself for a long while. It was a bit of a rough time for our family, but we got through it and none of us was scarred for life, you know? So be patient with yourself. Grieving takes time. It’s one of those things that cannot be rushed.

I think Sonja’s #3 is an excellent suggestion. Her first #3, that is. And regarding her second #3, I did not type all this out on a touchscreen but I love you too. :-)

9 08 2011
Sonja

Ha! My touchscreen is tiny and cannot be scrolled (or else I just don’t know how), and by the time I’d typed out the first #3, I couldn’t remember if it had been #2 or #3. :-)

10 08 2011
Corey

As long as you are still floating, friend. No drowning allowed. Love to you. You are on my mind.

3 09 2011
Carpet is expensive, man. « Z E B R A B E L L Y . C O M

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