THANK GOD JULY IS OVER. (These are Tweets)

2 08 2011

Also today is my half-birthday. That’s not a Tweet, it’s just true. Here are the Tweets:

The news just did a story on the fact that kelp washes up on beaches and attracts flies and smells bad. That’s hard-hitting right there.
1 Jul

Why hasn’t the maid done the laundry? She is so LAZY.
1 Jul

Margie: Dogs are cute unless they’re… dead.
1 Jul

My bug bites are still violently itchy 12 days later. I may not die from them after all, but I am considering sawing my leg off. *cries*
3 Jul

ZebraBelly just invented the Mexican cocoa pancake. You’re welcome.
3 Jul

Twin Peaks + Benedryl is exactly how you think it would be.
4 Jul

The theme to He-Man is still really exciting, even after all these years.
5 Jul

I’m all itchy. Bugs are assholes.
6 Jul

Someone found my personal blog today by Googling, “How friends are like tongues.” Just. Well. Just had to share that.
6 Jul

Finally watching the season finale of Fringe. Haven’t seen a wig as crappy as Astrid’s since Lost. Makes me feel sentimental. *cries jears*
6 Jul

You know what sucks? The amount of sleep I got last night. Overtired + hot and humid = today’s gonna be a crap day.
7 Jul

Catch 22: I cannot get off this couch without coffee, and I cannot make coffee without getting off this couch.
7 Jul

Elliott, after I made him stop playing a game to hug me: Now if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.
7 Jul

Driving in the side of the gas station opposite from what I usually use makes me feel like I’m living in some Bizarro world. #needscoffee
9 Jul

Dates stuffed with goat cheese is totally a bachelorette dinner.
9 Jul

Just called a mortuary. Would be much better if it was run by the Fishers. I could use a hug from David.
14 Jul

Crisis in the Harry Potter theater: someone wore her scar on the WRONG SIDE. We hunted in the theater, found some eyeliner-crisis averted.
14 Jul

You know what’s awesome about 2011? Watching Lost on my phone while waiting for the tow truck.
16 Jul

Autocorrect always assumes I don’t want to use the cuss words. Autocorrect is always wrong.
16 Jul

Dear Dyson, Way to make me look like a loser. Signed, The Old Vacuum
16 Jul

Cookies for breakfast. Crackers for lunch. Admit it, you’re jealous of my nutritional prowess.
18 Jul

Looking at a high school report card, turns out I was absent 4 times from a class that didn’t exist. Can I get an award for that, pls?
18 Jul

I’m out of coffee creamer. Reacting appropriately: NOOOOOOOOO! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *faints*
19 Jul

Saw How to Train Your Dragon today for the first time. Am now in the market for a pet dragon.
20 Jul

Just went through a box full of old photos and found a RIDICULOUS amount of pics of me without pants. Awkward Family Photos here I come.
23 Jul

My phone was being an asshole so the Apple Store gave me a new one. Too bad that doesn’t happen when people are assholes.
26 Jul

Margie and I are reading Prisoner of Azkaban and eating lots of chocolate. You know. For the dementors.
27 Jul

You know one thing I love? My blankie.
28 Jul

You know what’s stupid? 5am.
30 Jul


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