Also today is my half-birthday. That’s not a Tweet, it’s just true. Here are the Tweets:
The news just did a story on the fact that kelp washes up on beaches and attracts flies and smells bad. That’s hard-hitting right there.
Why hasn’t the maid done the laundry? She is so LAZY.
Margie: Dogs are cute unless they’re… dead.
My bug bites are still violently itchy 12 days later. I may not die from them after all, but I am considering sawing my leg off. *cries*
ZebraBelly just invented the Mexican cocoa pancake. You’re welcome.
Twin Peaks + Benedryl is exactly how you think it would be.
The theme to He-Man is still really exciting, even after all these years.
I’m all itchy. Bugs are assholes.
Someone found my personal blog today by Googling, “How friends are like tongues.” Just. Well. Just had to share that.
Finally watching the season finale of Fringe. Haven’t seen a wig as crappy as Astrid’s since Lost. Makes me feel sentimental. *cries jears*
You know what sucks? The amount of sleep I got last night. Overtired + hot and humid = today’s gonna be a crap day.
Catch 22: I cannot get off this couch without coffee, and I cannot make coffee without getting off this couch.
Elliott, after I made him stop playing a game to hug me: Now if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.
Driving in the side of the gas station opposite from what I usually use makes me feel like I’m living in some Bizarro world. #needscoffee
Dates stuffed with goat cheese is totally a bachelorette dinner.
Just called a mortuary. Would be much better if it was run by the Fishers. I could use a hug from David.
Crisis in the Harry Potter theater: someone wore her scar on the WRONG SIDE. We hunted in the theater, found some eyeliner-crisis averted.
You know what’s awesome about 2011? Watching Lost on my phone while waiting for the tow truck.
Autocorrect always assumes I don’t want to use the cuss words. Autocorrect is always wrong.
Dear Dyson, Way to make me look like a loser. Signed, The Old Vacuum
Cookies for breakfast. Crackers for lunch. Admit it, you’re jealous of my nutritional prowess.
Looking at a high school report card, turns out I was absent 4 times from a class that didn’t exist. Can I get an award for that, pls?
I’m out of coffee creamer. Reacting appropriately: NOOOOOOOOO! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *faints*
Saw How to Train Your Dragon today for the first time. Am now in the market for a pet dragon.
Just went through a box full of old photos and found a RIDICULOUS amount of pics of me without pants. Awkward Family Photos here I come.
My phone was being an asshole so the Apple Store gave me a new one. Too bad that doesn’t happen when people are assholes.
Margie and I are reading Prisoner of Azkaban and eating lots of chocolate. You know. For the dementors.
You know one thing I love? My blankie.
You know what’s stupid? 5am.