Shit That Scares Me (Rated S for Scary)

14 03 2011

FYI – Don’t click on any links in the entry if you are a chicken like me.  In fact, it’s probably better not to read it at all.

I’ve been rewatching Firefly this week at Sonja’s suggestion since rumor has it that Netflix is going to remove all Joss Wheadon stuff (how cruel, really). I’d like to watch Buffy, actually, but there’s just way too much there to see in a month. Firefly seemed more doable since the assholes at Fox canceled it after only one season. And mostly Firefly makes for excellent watching, but the Reavers scare the everlovin’ SHIT out of me (note to self: never click that link again). Seriously. They’re right up there with that episode of Unsolved Mysteries about Roswell that I saw when I was a kid. Except that Firefly, thank God, doesn’t stick with me once the episode is over. I can leave the Reavers behind and go about my life with the lights out (I mean, when appropriate). Except for one small moment the other day when Elliott inexplicably threw a fork across the dinner table in a fit of silliness or five-year-old weirdness and for a split second, before I figured out the attack had come from a cuddly, giggling boy, I had the rather pointless urge to duck under the table while one word flashed across my mind: REAVERS. And then I recovered.

But there have been things that I haven’t been able to shake so easily. The aforementioned Unsolved Mysteries terrorized me for YEARS and scarred me to this day. Around the same time, you found the book Communion everywhere with that damn creepy alien face on it (note to self: never Google that book again). I can’t tolerate alien stories. Ever. Unless they are cute like ET. Also, I had no problem with ID4 for God knows what reason (the reason may very well have been Jeff Goldblum running around in a tank top) (another possible reason is that it was a terrible movie). But Signs? It took me years to sleep well after that one. YEARS.

There was a time in my life where I thought I was grown up enough to watch scary movies. I’d successfully made it through some classics like Halloween and The Exorcist so we watched The Mothman Prophecies. In all honesty I think I fell asleep during that one, but it didn’t matter because by that point I was already traumatized. So I resorted to Googling which often sheds light on something and makes it less scary. It didn’t. Because it turns out it’s not just a movie. I became convinced that I’d see the damn Mothman peeking in my windows (note to self: close blinds) signalling some terrible destruction (holy shit my phone just buzzed and I think I peed a little). It took me about six months to fully recover from that and then, of course, we watched Signs. And, for the record, the only reason I watched that one was because a certain bff (*cough*Melissa*cough*) promised that it ended sweetly, just like The Sixth Sense did. If by “sweetly” she meant “No, actually the aliens are real and really do want to kill us all.” Then, yes. It did.  To this day I refuse to even consider watching a Shayamalan movie until I know how it ends.

I think the reason that movie scared me so much was because it was so realistic. Here was a family – they didn’t know they were in a scary movie – just living their lives. Well, I am just living MY life and who’s to say I’m not in a scary movie, too? See? And, yes, I realize water was a great defense against the bad guys in that movie, but that was a MOVIE. When the real evil aliens come we’ll have to start from scratch and by then it’ll be too late.

I’m not sure which is more frightening – these movies or my logic.

Thank God I’m cute.

You know what else scares me? Bloody Mary. Now, I realize she only comes when you call her, but I am afraid that someday the temptation will be too much for me and on some midnight trip to pee I’ll lose control (please see above comment about me being cute), turn around, say her name three times, and… See her? Die? I don’t remember what comes next but I know it would be just awful. (SERIOUSLY my phone won’t stop buzzing and freaking me out. Must cut back on Words with Friends.)

I won’t even consider watching movies like Paranormal Activity (look it up yourself, I ain’t Googling THAT link for you) because realistic evil ghosts are just as frightening as realistic evil aliens. I can’t even tolerate the commercials for that one, no matter how terrible everyone says it was.

And so, despite the fact that I can watch Firefly with few side effects, I consider Reavers to be possibly the most frightening and evil thing I’ve ever heard of. So. Good work, Joss?

Now I think I will go and turn on every light in the house, close all the blinds, and watch about 6 hours of the Brady Bunch to wash my brain. Sweet dreams, y’all!

 

URGENT UPDATE:  I just remembered another big fear – 2012.  Seriously that shit freaks me out.  My only consolation is that hopefully I’ll die quickly.  Or, you know, that it will turn out to be a big, fun repeat of Y2K (which did not, for the record, freak me out in the least).  But whenever my mind turns to that direction, I stick my figurative fingers in my figurative ears and “LA LA LA LA LA” as loud as I can.  Strangely the movie of the same name?  Not scary at all.  In fact, it’s on my list of Best Terrible Movies Ever.  And not just because it stars my husband, John Cusack.  Because it is truly, wonderfully, terrible.  It’s exactly like The Day After Tomorrow but with fewer wolves and more Bible stories.


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21 responses

14 03 2011
clearheart

Actual conversation during reading this post:

Me: LOL, LOL, LOL
Steve: What’s so funny?
Me: Bonnie
Steve: What now?
Me: Shit she’s scared of.
Steve: Oh, like escalators and stuff?
Me: No, Bloody Mary.
Steve: (tries to look blank. tries a little too hard.)
Me: (reading the part about Bloody Mary aloud whilst LOL)
Steve: You can tell Bonnie that the hair on the back of my neck is standing up right now and I ALSO have an irrational fear of doing that in the middle of the night except it’s not really irrational because I HAVE got up in the middle of the night, gone pee and lost control and called her, turned around and all that.
Me: LOL, LOL, LOL
Steve: More than once.
Me: Like when you were how old?
Steve: Like when we lived in Monterey.

People? HE WAS 30 when we lived in Monterey. OK? I am literally rolling on the floor laughing my ass off and peeing my pants and waking up Lev who is now scared also of Bloody Mary.

Now he wants to know what movies you are scared of. None of them ring a bell but he is still afraid of a Fantasy Island episode where someone did vodoo in a room and a snake showed up.

You and Steve should get together and do the whole Brady Bunch cleansing thing.

14 03 2011
ZebraBelly

Sometimes I think Steve and I are related somehow! I LOL’d all the way through that comment.

14 03 2011
ZebraBelly

PS. I am tempted to ask Steve what happened when he called Bloody Mary, but really I DON’T WANT TO KNOW.

14 03 2011
Kuky

I know what you mean. Except my idea of scary is different. Ghosts and zombies for me. And the zombies not so much as I’m watching but more like later when I plan where we’ll hide and what windows need barring up.

And i’ve grown up to realize I just shouldn’t watch scary movies. Or read scary books. Sometimes even knowing this, I will, then kick myself for doing it. Like this weekend where after reading something a tad scary I was freaked out. Good thing I wasn’t alone. Yay for cosleeping.

15 03 2011
ZebraBelly

Oh zombies would totally scare me if I ever thought seriously about the concept long enough (about 16 seconds). Shaun of the Dead was funny, though, and fairly reassuring assuming I can get somewhere safe in time.

14 03 2011
Sonja

*Gulp* I’m such an idiot! I read that right before bedtime, and I’m the last one up so I WILL HAVE TO TURN OFF ALL THE LIGHTS.
*shiver*

14 03 2011
Sonja

Well. I should state FTR that I didn’t actually read all of it because I could feel myself getting scared RE: bloody mary and I’ve never even heard of it/her and decided that this wasn’t a good time to learn about it.
And now I have helicopters circling overhead which always freaks me out (because it must mean some bad guy/killer type person is loose and trying to escape and perhaps will attempt to break into my house and I’M OFF TO COWER IN A CORNER, THANK YOU, STOOPID INTERNETS!

14 03 2011
Sonja

*small voice* I’m so upset I didn’t even close my parentheses! */small voice*

15 03 2011
ZebraBelly

You know, sometimes helicopters are just out looking for wandering old people (which is one of Elliott’s fears – upcoming post about that maybe) so when I hear them (and I do – a lot) I just comfort myself with that thought.

15 03 2011
Karen

Um. See, this is what I get for reading your post at 1am right before I have to go to bed. Gaaahhhh!

Claire? I’m scared of EVERY SCARY MOVIE. And let’s not get started on books, because it’s 1am. And yes, bloody-stupid-mary.

I’m sleeping on the sofa tonight. Because I’m here right now.

15 03 2011
Kirsten

after reading this I am so upset and confused (and of course laughing) that I tried to put my oatmeal in my coffee cup

15 03 2011
Kirsten

and Bloody Mary and commercials for paranormal activity….too scary…and I don’t appreciate this new idea you have given me about getting up in the night and calling Mary since I am one of those who worries that I will lose control and jump off a high ledge someday

What about Light as a Feather, Stiff as a board?

15 03 2011
ZebraBelly

Nope. That one was fun. Sometimes creepy, but I never think I might accidentally levitate myself.

Oujia boards, though, could easily freak me out.

15 03 2011
Sarah

I can practically hear you hyperventilating while writing this. Go and breath into a paper bag. But just remember check it for aliens first.

15 03 2011
ZebraBelly

Dammit. Do aliens hide in bags? I’m DOOMED.

15 03 2011
bethany actually

I really think I am a Vulcan. I don’t watch scary movies because I don’t like them, but they don’t scare me per se. I can totally sleep at night after watching horror movies or gory scenes in crime dramas. You know what I can’t watch. Things that are intense. I had to stop watching BSG because it was too intense and I just couldn’t stand it. It didn’t make me lose sleep, though. “Veronica Mars” made me lose more sleep than any scary movie because it was so freaking good that I couldn’t stop thinking about it between episodes. I’d be lying in bed unable to sleep because I was wondering what was going to happen to Logan, or something.

Wait, speaking of BSG, I know what freaks me out a little…robots. I am never going to watch the movie I, Robot because of the scene I saw in the trailer of the giant room full of identical robots. The movie 2001 also freaked me out a lot because of the sentient computer making its own decisions.

I also had to have someone tell me the entire plot of the movie Signs before I could see it. That’s all it takes for me, though. Once the suspense is removed I’m usually okay. You’re right about that one; it was effective because it was normal people living their lives. The stuff that happens in horror movies doesn’t bug me because it’s so illogical that it would ever actually happen.

See? Vulcan.

16 03 2011
ZebraBelly

Oh BSG was just the right amount of intensity for me. But I understand that b/c I often can’t watch thrillers just because of the intensity level. I never saw Panic Room b/c it just seemed like it would be nonstop INTENSITY.

Also The Abyss comes to mind. I remember as a kid wanting to see it for some reason. And I actually started watching it at some campground in Phoenix until there was a thunderstorm and tornado warnings (at which point I left the solid BUILDING for the little motor home – WTF? lol). I bet I could have watched it more easily as a child because when I finally saw it as an adult I spent the entire time wondering if they’d drown (drowning’s my least favorite way to die, BTW). Lots of stress. Heh.

18 03 2011
Sonja

That “normal people living their lives” thing? There was some movie I saw a long, long time ago where a Very Terrible Disaster struck a family and before it all started, they were driving in the car singing a song together. I don’t remember what the Very Terrible Disaster was, but I do remember the song, so now hearing it fills me with unease. Itsy-Bitsy Spider.

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