Today is Shit

19 04 2010

Today began lovely enough and yet deteriorated quickly into darkness.  The kids began fighting and when they do, they don’t listen to me when I try to stop them – no matter what tactic I try.  This makes me angry and we’re on our way into a downward spiral.  But not just any downward spiral! The ones I take are extra special and loaded with generations of baggage.  Yay.

I have all these jars in my heart where I organize my emotions.  Lately, my anger jar has been nearly full nearly all the time due to any one of three men in my life – my husband, my father, and my landlord – and probably lots of other things, too.  All have some sort of power over me, and all are, of course, men.  I find this interesting, but am uncertain of what it means, exactly.

When my anger jar is full and I have an angry morning like today’s, it sort of all bubbles out like a baking soda and vinegar volcano.  Except once it’s done, it’s not chemically spent; the anger still exists.

Yet, there is some element of deepness that comes with a volcanic morning like this.  Things float up out of the jar, things that speak loudly to me.

I am trying not to hate myself for having these dramatic outbursts full of tears; I am trying to see the beauty in it.  If I were to comfort a friend about this, I would tell her, “It’s because you are passionate and emotional and that is beautiful and a blessing – not a curse!”

But I feel cursed.

Nevertheless, here I am.  And what struck me (and to which some, or most, of you will reply, “Well, duh.”) is that I am stagnant.  Stuck.  Wallowing.  In my relationships. In my daily life.  In my big goals. This is how I was raised, how I was taught to see the world.  I am aware that it’s wrong, but haven’t been able to fight against it.  No matter what method or plan I try, it never lasts. I feel out of control, drowning.

Stagnant.

Today the problem has become clear to me (why the entire family has to be in on my emotional, um, discovery, I have no idea), but I am not sure how to fix it.

Years ago I discovered that the way I make changes in myself is by first embracing the problem, accepting it and owning it as a part of who I am.  Only once I have done that can I begin to change the problem.

And so I am honoring this tendency of mine to be stagnant. Accepting it.  Allowing me to Be it.

Maybe once this happens, I can let it go an move forward in every area that needs it.

Or maybe I can just take a nap.


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4 responses

19 04 2010
bethany actually

I don’t think I’d ever have described it that way, but I was reading about your Anger Jar bubbling over and nodding my head like an idiot. I’m generally a placid, easygoing kind of person…but when I’m angry I also feel the need to share my anger with the world, especially my nearest and dearest. This is incredibly frustrating to me even in my irrational state because I KNOW it’s not going to make anything better, yet there we go.

I don’t really know how you’re stagnant; clearly there is a long talk over coffee we never quite got to have. :-) But I hope you owning your stagnation helps you move on to the next step! I’m here if you need a listening ear to vent into.

19 04 2010
Jess

(hug)

19 04 2010
Kirsten

thinking of you…I can relate….i never thought their fighting would have such an affect on me

19 04 2010
Kirsten

their meaning my kiddos..not your kiddos

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