It’s Good Because I’m a Chameleon

Last night I spent a rare night with my BFF and we took the time to wander around the mall not buying pricey underwear. (Also – I found the babylegs. Turns out my usual Target is simply too ghetto for such fancy things.) Naturally, we ended up in the unmentionables department looking for knockoff-pricey underwear instead when we spied this package of chonis which comes in a variety pack of “body tone” colors. Which is a great idea, you know, for Crayolas. But less so if you want the underwear to all match your skin.

I think this is a really great way to make friends, though. You can grab a pack and then wander through the mall looking carefully at the skin colors of women until you find the perfect one – at which point you will whip out your pack of underwear and tell the startled person, “Look! You match! Let’s be friends!” How can they say no? You will bring diversity into your life. I promise.

I’m not sure how to handle the dark pink pair, though. Maybe that is for when you get sunburned while at the nudist colony. Yes, that must be it.

Today is Stupid

(And it’s not even Thursday.)

This afternoon:
~I ran a couple of quick errands with the kids (and here you will laugh and laugh because I just wrote “quick” and “errand” and “kids” all in the same sentence). My son has this selective hearing thing where I have to repeat myself about 400 times before he is even aware that I am speaking to him. And then he says, “Whatchoo say?” which was cute the first time, but once I realized it meant I’d have to repeat myself a 401st time, it got uncute. And I have to make sure I repeat myself quickly before he forgets he is listening to me. It makes errands so.much.fun. /sarcasm.
~By the time my quick errands were over, we were 15 minutes away from the library where M was scheduled for a MoPA “workshop” in only 10 minutes. Luckily I have that delorean time machine. CRAP. No, that was just a movie. We arrived late.
~AND once we pulled into the parking lot we discovered it was FULL. Never in all my life have I seen that parking lot FULL. So I ended up parking on a residential street two blocks away. And not cursing as much as you would think. (Note to self: walk next time. It’s good for the heart, the environment, and the parking lot.)
~As soon as M was situated in her class, I ran to the bathroom and asked E if he wanted to join me. He said no and since he’d peed not too long before, I figured it was OK. You can see where this is going right? Yeah. But since there wasn’t a puddle, I let him sit in it because the car was parked two blocks away. Not that I am bitter or anything.
~Should I add here that none of the books I wanted were available? No? OK.
~On the way home I didn’t win Killers tickets for the second time in two days. If this keeps up, I’m going to have to PAY. And Brandon Flowers, lyrical genuis though he is, is twitchy and wears feathers and I’m not sure that’s worth $50. Maybe if I close my eyes.
~Speaking of music in the car, I can no longer listen to my iPod in the car because the connection is bad between the adapter and the phone. I’m not sure which part is bad, but it keeps coming loose and sounds awful. The adapter only (that’s a sarcastic “only”) cost me $100. Maybe I could sell it on Craigslist for Killers tickets. I would throw in some feathers.
~Remember how my son peed his pants at the library? Well, he pooed them when we got home. Yay. He didn’t want to see or smell it. Neither did I, man.

That’s all so far (isn’t it enough?). But I promise to update you in realtime if anything else goes entertainingly bad.

UPDATE: And by “realtime” I mean, “as soon as the crisis is dealt with.” Because not 2 minutes (I swear to God) after this post was published, I discovered my sweet son who I promise not to flog had actually pooped on the motherfucking COUCH and then trailed little crumbly (but easy to clean up so long as they had not been squished into the carpet – and they had not been) poo-bits around the house. FUCK. I know you are not supposed to lose your tempter with potty-trainers, but I get a free pass after this afternoon, right?

ETA: Also, I noticed as I was cleaning up the poo, that I kept thinking of trips to Chuck E Cheese when I was a kid. I am thinking I have some fucked-up repressed memories, no?

ETA 2: When I told The Son I had to clean the couch, he told me, “Have fun!” Stinker.

Upon Litha

Litha, the Summer Solstice, is the day we say goodbye to the Sun, as he descends into Winter. For many, this is represented by a God or Goddess who journeys into the Underworld and is reborn around the Winter Solstice. That is a little abstract for me at this point in my spiritual journey. I have been thinking a lot about what I actually believe right now and it has less to do with Gods and Goddesses than it does with the Earth itself. From my earliest self, I have found God within the elements of the Universe, and it is this base of my spiritual inspiration that I am focusing on right now.

The sun and the moon. The power of the ocean, fire, and wind. The warm, soft support of the life-giving earth. These are the things which fill my heart. Madeleine L’Engle speaks of the “wildness” of Creation, and this is exactly what moves my soul. The Rune of St. Patrick from her book, A Swiftly Tilting Planet speaks to me.

At Tara today in this fateful hour
I place all Heaven with its power,
And the sun with its brightness,
And the snow with its whiteness,
And fire with all the strength it hath,
And lightning with its rapid wrath,
And the winds with their swiftness along their path,
And the sea with its deepness,
And the rocks with their steepness,
And the earth with its starkness
All these I place,
By God’s almighty help and grace,
Between myself and the powers of darkness.

Harry Belafonte’s song, “Turn the World Around” makes me sing along with the Universe.

We come from the fire
Living in the fire
Go back to the fire
Turn the world around

We come from the water
Living in the water
Go back to the water
Turn the world around

We come from the mountain
Living on the mountain
Go back to the mountain
Turn the world around

Oh, oh so is life
Ah, ah so is life
Oh, oh so is life
Ah, ah so is life

Do you know who I am
Do I know who you are
See we one another clearly
Do we know who we are

Water make the river
River wash the mountain
Fire make the sunlight
Turn the world around

Heart is of the river
Body is the mountain
Spirit is the sunlight
Turn the world around

We are of the spirit
Truly of the spirit
Only can the spirit
Turn the world around

These are the elements upon which my beliefs lie. These are the things which have moved me since childhood – the parts of my belief system which are stone, which do not change in light of the details which revolve around them as the Earth to the Sun. Ultimately, at the base of everything, The Universe is what I need.

Goodbye, Sun, have a safe journey into winter, and thank you for blessing us with your power.

April Fools in June

I attended a baby shower today in centralish San Diego. Due to some last minute family plans (apparently The Husband’s grandmother’s birthday was a complete surprise), I had to arrive late and was even later due to Target’s apparent discontinuation of BabyLegs. While I was trying to explain the concept of BabyLegs to the employees (and to assure them that they did, indeed, carry them in the past) I got a text warning me that Buchanan Street didn’t exist and not to get lost. (I replied with, “BUT THERE ARE NO BABY LEGS!”)

Duly warned, I saw that, sure enough, my phone directed me to take Buchanan street, but I laughed and shouted, “Haha! You can’t fool ME!” at it and switched to map view for a path that circumvented the not-street. But that was as far as I had gotten on that line of questioning. At the party, I was informed that the “street” was actually a canyon and when I got home I looked it up in stalker satellite view and sure enough it’s a fucking canyon. What on EARTH? How can this be a computer glitch? It had to be entered into a computer at some point, right? Was it a joke? Or was it once a street that collapsed in a horrible disaster which the government covered up? Please help me wrap my mind around this. I’ve seen internet maps screw up before, but not to this degree.

4UMomz

Dreaming of Home

I want a home with space enough for my children to run and play outside. To ride bikes, to throw balls, to color with sidewalk chalk. I want space for a sprinkler or Slip n Slide during the summers. And to do all this within the safety of their own yard, in their pajamas if they like (but maybe swimsuits for the Slip n Slide).

I want fruit trees – avocado, pomegranate, and lemon. I want rosemary and lavender bushes on either side of the front door. I want a little garden and a compost bin full of worms.

I want a little fire ring we can dance around on the Summer Solstice, hand in hand with friends. I want a tree draped in colorful ribbons and bells and windchimes. I want a moon garden with a spot for a scrying bowl. I want to create a magical space.

I want a washer and dryer that is not coin-operated, one that I don’t have to leave the property to get to, one that I can just toss in a load whenever we are at home. I want a clothesline.

I want to use gray water to feed our garden and trees. I want to explore native plants. I might want a small cactus garden in honor of my grandmother.

I want a space for my kids to craft and learn. I want shelves for all of their toys and books. I want orginization.

I want all my boxes of holiday decorations OUT of my closet.

I want to paint the living room a warm red color. I want wood floors. And a Roomba. And I will probably want to cheer it on.

I want a bathroom with a window. And perhaps another bathroom as well, or at least half of one.

I want levels. Two steps down into the living room makes me feel happier than you can imagine. Cozy, like a bird in a nest.

I want counter space. I want storage space. I want cabinets that do not shave off 1/4 tsp of rotten wood each time I slide a drawer open. (Am I asking too much here?) If I am dreaming big, then I will add that I want an extra fridge in the garage.

I want a garage. And, frankly, I don’t even care if I can park the cars in there. If it keeps our stuff organized I will happy park in the driveway. I want a driveway. I want garage shelves stocked full of barrels of coconut oil and whatever flour it is that I am into at the moment. I want a place for our big freezer that’s not crowding our dining table.

I want a home that makes me feel comforted and peaceful. One that I can open up to gaggles of children without feeling claustrophobic. I want all these things, but not much more. I want a home.

If yesterday was magical, today was just bizarre.

Firstly, I was alerted to this.  (Twitter has enlightened me to many things, but this one just takes the cake.)  And I have not been quite the same since.  I will remain happily archaic, thankyouverymuch.

Then, we headed out to meet with a realtor named Bob who was recommended to us by a friend (thank you!). We had spoken to him over the phone but had not met him in person before today. Upon handshakes, he handed us each a business card. I think it is a natural reflex to glance at a business card when it is handed to you, despite not actually needing any of the information on it at that particular moment. What I noticed, upon my glance, was that the business card said, “Josh” instead of “Bob.” I was confused. Did Bob send in a partner? WHO WAS THIS MAN? The kicker was that once we were free to discuss this strangeness, as it turns out, he handed the husband a business card claiming he was “Pete.” I don’t know how to process this. Is it a joke or a sociology experiment? Was he testing us? Does he deviously grab handfuls of others’ cards from the bowl at Chili’s when no one is looking only to hand them out to unsuspecting clients?

This afternoon, I met some friends at the local Nature Center for some rare kid-free time there and the chance to support them before they (might) have to close. One in our group ended up running late so we hopped on a shuttle up to the center only to get a new message saying she was nearly there. Naturally, we decided to just sit and wait for her. I am pretty familiar with the place and the routine of being there so I felt comfortable enough to just sit and enjoy the day before heading inside to pay. There was a women there, employed by the Center, who was not at all comfortable with this plan of action. Her job, clearly, was to help direct visitors in to the building where they can pay admission – and when we failed to do as her job description said we would, she reverted to more, um, primal, ways of communicating with us. Mainly staring us down and yelling at us. I SWEAR I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP – but she literally stood about four feet from us and stared at us. Stared. And when we got too close to an exhibit (about 8 feet away), she kind of lost her shit and flipped the Hell out about it. I mentioned this inside as I was paying and the woman running the counter behind admissions burst into giggles, an indication that maybe this is not the first time such a thing has happened. It was strange and annoying, but not so much we were unable to see the amusement in the situation.

So, yes. I have had a bizarre day (and I didn’t even get to the part about how one of the houses we saw today had outdoor toilets! plural!). How about you?

Magic in Today

A homemade breakfast.

A lost tooth.

Making new animal friends.

A toy that flips.

Pretty presents.

A grown-up boy.

My day was magical. How was yours?

Recent Tweets

Alex asks, “Is Margie singing ‘Like a Prayer’?” Yes, honey. Yes, she is.
6:09 PM May 5th from web

Thank you goats and buffalo and sheep for the dairy I can eat. Cows: screw you.
6:20 PM May 6th from web

Margie’s song in the bathtub: Ducky goonnnnnnnna die!
4:49 PM May 7th from mobile web

Elliott’s tub song: If the bridge is falling dowwwwnnn! WTF w/ the negativity in the bath?
4:52 PM May 7th from mobile web

Me: Joking about the swine flu. Margie: “I don’t think that’s very educational.”
8:28 AM May 8th from web

Me: What do you want for a snack? Elliott: I fink cheese and chips might work.
9:51 AM May 8th from web

Elliott wearing my hat and sunglasses: Am I cuti-ful?
3:46 PM May 12th from mobile web

Elliott being silly with the birthday song the other day: “Happy birthday to FUCK!” Took me a minute to realize he meant “fork”. Whew!
12:06 PM May 17th from web

just saw thunderheads beyond the mountains. First of the season. *happy sigh*
1:29 PM May 19th from mobile web

I <3 homeschooling: M heard the phrase "Civil War" and announced, "Civil War? That's when President Lincoln died!"
10:39 AM May 21st from web

When I get old, I am going to live in a strawberry field and spend all day long sitting there eating sun-warmed strawberries.
6:20 PM May 21st from web

just passed on my last sling to a new mama. Unsure where to put my children now.
3:54 PM May 24th from mobile web

Just got laid by james. Heh. Still funny after all these years.
10:16 AM May 26th from mobile web

Do you miss me as much as I miss you?

Blogging has not come easily to me. But I suppose that is life – ups and downs in every aspect. While my blogging levels are down, I will leave you with a list of my most giggle-inducing webthings these days. Enjoy!

Literal Videos (in which they change the lyrics to songs to reflect the random shit that goes down in your average music video):
Total Eclipse of the Heart – Bonnie Tyler
Head Over Heels – Tears for Fears

Zack Morris (of Saved by the Bell… I really should not have to tell you that) visited Jimmy Fallon this week.

At home SwineFlu test. Ask yourself, “Do I have swine flu?”

Important advice about what not to buy.

This oldie is not so much giggle-inducing as it is just ultra awesome in every way. Especially the bit about the whale.