this afternoon

this afternoon is surreal. i am feeling as though i am walking through a novel, or perhaps an independent film.

and i am having a bad day with the depression. which isn’t much compared to the old days. it is merely a shadow of depression now, but still, there is the laziness i cannot overcome. it’s nothing worth mentioning, and it makes me elated that it is all that remains of the days where i would cry all afternoon for no reason, of the days when i lost it and smacked my small daughter. laziness is nothing. laziness is beautiful and happy. happy.

and in my back yard today we discovered three new widows, plus the one we already knew about. and a web which i am certain belongs to another, but i cannot find her. i mentioned this already. what i did not mention is that my son came within centimeters of touching one.

this afternoon the kids are at grandma’s so i am alone.

and i have just finished rereading the time traveler’s wife. which is surreal and heart-wrenching in and of itself.

and i have just come in from the yard where i sprayed poison into the environment in the hopes that we can have our yard back again. i sprayed at the five brown widow egg sacs and the widow herself came running out, shockingly white-backed with darkly contrasting legs. sprayed her, too. as she curled up and drunkenly rolled over, I saw her bright orange hourglass. bitch. fucking bitch.

not like i hold her personally responsible for existing. but, fuck.

have i ever mentioned how very much i hate spiders? i am sitting here, shaking, and crying because not only can i not handle seeing them move, but these deadly ones – running at me? fuck.

i am so absolutely terrified of these horrible spiders.

and so i am feeling surreal and puffy-eyed from crying (the book mostly, a little from the spiders) and fake and frightened and dizzy and weak and itchy.

and i am off to run to the store to buy some remaining ingredients for pizza. i will teach you how to make homemade pizza that’s just as easy as frozen or delivery.

update… i went to the grocery store thinking some bright lights and normalcy would do me good. instead, i found a completely rearranged store that came with a feeling of displacement, like when you visit a store in a town that is not your own. so much for normalcy. the good thing is that i have downgraded from feeling like i am walking around in some IFC movie to feeling like i am starring in a cheesy 80’s music video. good. almost back to my ghetto self.

Deadly Spider Count

In my back yard there are currently at least three black widows and one brown widow. And the brown comes with FIVE egg sacs. Photos will be posted later so you all can suffer as I have suffered.

Kids are no longer allowed outside. Ever.

ETA… Here you go:

Random

~Took the kids to the dentist today where I learned they have a new program that gives points for things (good oral hygiene, no cavities, community service, etc) and you can use those points to earn things. They have a display case in the lobby (right next to the coffee bar) showing you all the things you can win. There are little things like astronaut ice cream and fairy puppets, and the items get fancier all the way up to – I swear I am not making this up – an iPhone. We have five points so far, we only need about 360 more.

~Selling a Hannah Montana blond wig in Southern San Diego seems somehow just a little racist.

~Here is a list of chores I am responsible for in this household:
Mopping/sweeping/vacuuming, sorting and folding laundry, cleaning kitchen and bathroom, dusting (not that I ever do this one, but that is beside the point), cooking, shopping for groceries and household supplies, keeping the kids clean, educating them and keeping them from killing each other, organizing the house, making the bed, putting away the dishes and loading the dishwasher, picking up the house, picking up after the messy people in the house, driving the kids places they need to be, taking out the recycling… Lots more I can’t think of yet this morning.

Here is a list of things The Husband does on a regular basis:
Taking out the trash, doing the laundry, putting detergent in the dishwasher and pressing start (I am, apparently, responsible for putting the detergent away after he leaves it on the counter).

And guess who complains about every single chore he has to do? I’ll give you a hint: not me!

~My son had a big day yesterday. First was a trip to the dentist (“To clean my mouf?”) where he was a STAR, I was so proud. He hated it, but he did his best to be brave and cooperative. Same thing during the car wash – he did his best to be strong and not cry (not that I think crying in itself is a bad thing, but I have learned that in a situation like that, allowing tears sends forth a neverending torrent of feelings which are impossible to deal with while we are both strapped in our seats). On a less scary note, he also downed an entire mini taco at Trader Joes – beef, spice and all. I just about fainted.

~Speaking of Trader Joe’s we got a $7 block of goat cheese free yesterday just because they love us so much.

~The Olympics are on our TV endlessly (unless The Husband is home) and we are having a blast watching.

~If you happen to make your child a “smoothie” with strawberry-flavored fish oil in it, and he just happens to accidentally spill it all over the floor: don’t wipe it up with anything you might want to keep ever because you will discover that the strawberry smell will wash out, but the oil itself will remain. Your laundry will smell for weeks and you will make a new habit of sniffing each piece of clean laundry before sorting and folding it. This is the reason they created paper towels. Use them guiltlessly.

~Speaking of laundry, I still have not found my black underwear. WTF? (Editor’s note: was that only a year ago? Feels like two. I guess life without black undies is harder than I thought.)